I have been waiting to write this blog for a long time but as we all know, my time is very limited. First, I have a few confessions...
It has taken 2 years of being a MoM to twins, for me to feel like we kinda have this thing under control. When they say that you become a bit lost or lose yourself...it is true. Everyone needs so much from you that there is barely anything left at the end of the day. Even the thought of "me time" was too much to consider.
I have made a commitment to get my health back. I gained 100 pounds during my pregnancy...100 pounds. I lost 50 pounds within a few days after their birth but the other 50 held on for dear life while I exclusively pumped for 8 months. Sorry ladies, not all women lose weight when they breastfeed. Over the past year, I have slowly lost 20 pounds but have stalled. I believe in waiting till you are ready to make a change and that time is now. I have signed up with Beach Body and Shakeology after doing much research. I know I have a long journey ahead but I have lost the weight before and I can do it again.
Finally, I thought that my relationship with God would be different as a parent. I thought it would be closer and more in depth but it hasn't. My prayers mostly consist of..."Give me patience" "Please make him/her/them go to sleep" "Help me get through this day" "Thank you for these children" but that was about it.
I did have a moment of clarity and love that I wanted to share. In one of the many moments of being overwhelmed, I heard God. Now, this can be hard to explain if you have never had this happen. I don't hear God audibly. The voice of the Lord is a voice inside your head that is not your own voice. It says things to you that you would never say to yourself and it doesn't come from your brain but almost from your heart. Ok...hard to explain...a little "out there" but it is the best way I can explain.
I am sitting at the table with both kids crying. Both of them want to be held at the same time and want their mommy all for themselves. They are hungry but won't eat. When I am in those moments I will hold each of their hands and kiss their hands over and over again. The tears are streaming down my face as I am feeling like I am clearly "not enough" in this moment.
Then I hear Him... "I see you. I see you kissing your babies' hands when you feel like you are falling apart. You are doing good. I see you."
I broke down. My Lord...the one who answered all of my prayers...above and beyond...the one who I had put on a shelf during this busy season of life, was right there in that moment. He was in every moment. He understood the struggle of my heart. He knew what I needed to hear.
So if you are reading this today...know that He Sees You. He loves you. You are doing good.
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Saturday, August 8, 2015
For my mother...as a mother
The other night, I was standing at the sink washing bottles for the 3rd time that day. My mind starting wondering as I did this easy task and I started thinking about my Mom standing at a sink, 30 years ago, washing bottles. I was overcome with emotion because it hit me like a ton of bricks, the type of love my mom has for me. If you know my Mom, even just a little bit, you know the type of amazing woman she is. She is my best friend and I think we get closer the older I get. My mom has known great joy and great pain through the lives of her children. My mom has received dozens of phone calls that usually just start with me crying because the sound of her voice opens the flood gates. She has listened to me talk about our struggle to start a family, month after month of disappointment, my heartbreaking reaction to another pregnancy announcement and my raw questions for God about our situation. I now think of how hard those conversation must have been, when she knows the joy a child can bring. I am sure the thought of her daughter never knowing this kind of love was difficult to imagine. But not for a minute did my Mother let me give up hope or lose faith. Even on my darkest days, I knew I couldn't lose Faith because she hadn't.
I don't think it got easier when we actually got pregnant because we had a long way to go. We had found ourselves in a 9 month waiting game full of ER visits, false alarms, statistics and fear. When we went to the hospital for contractions at 25 weeks, the doctor had told us that they were going to do a test that could tell us that our babies might be born in the next 2 weeks. My first phone call was to my Mom and she could barely understand my words through my sobbing but she has had some practice over the years. She calmed me down, in only the way she can and we all know that our babies did not arrive that day. This was not the last false alarm and some time towards the end, my Mom had her bag packed and in the car for the last 6 weeks of our pregnancy.
Since we were induced, my parents did not miss anything and my Mom was there from the beginning. She brought some pictures of her, right after I was born and it was a special moment. Even after the nurse said it was time to get ready to push, I was still very calm and almost in disbelief that we were going to have the babies. When my Mom grabbed our hands and started to pray, it finally became real. We had gone back and forth about having my mom in the delivery room but I am so glad she was there. Looking at her holding Carter was my motivation to safely deliver Elianna. There is a picture of the moment Carter was born and in the background is my Mom with so much emotion on her face, I could never describe it to you. I imagine at that moment that all the tear-filled phone calls, the desperate prayers, the doubts and the fears...all lifted away as she watched me become a Mother.
I wrote this post months ago but it is now time to share it with others. It helps to take a moment to look at and look at how God perfectly delivered a miracle...or 2 in our case. :) Sending special love to Grammy, my best friend and Mom.
I don't think it got easier when we actually got pregnant because we had a long way to go. We had found ourselves in a 9 month waiting game full of ER visits, false alarms, statistics and fear. When we went to the hospital for contractions at 25 weeks, the doctor had told us that they were going to do a test that could tell us that our babies might be born in the next 2 weeks. My first phone call was to my Mom and she could barely understand my words through my sobbing but she has had some practice over the years. She calmed me down, in only the way she can and we all know that our babies did not arrive that day. This was not the last false alarm and some time towards the end, my Mom had her bag packed and in the car for the last 6 weeks of our pregnancy.
Since we were induced, my parents did not miss anything and my Mom was there from the beginning. She brought some pictures of her, right after I was born and it was a special moment. Even after the nurse said it was time to get ready to push, I was still very calm and almost in disbelief that we were going to have the babies. When my Mom grabbed our hands and started to pray, it finally became real. We had gone back and forth about having my mom in the delivery room but I am so glad she was there. Looking at her holding Carter was my motivation to safely deliver Elianna. There is a picture of the moment Carter was born and in the background is my Mom with so much emotion on her face, I could never describe it to you. I imagine at that moment that all the tear-filled phone calls, the desperate prayers, the doubts and the fears...all lifted away as she watched me become a Mother.
I wrote this post months ago but it is now time to share it with others. It helps to take a moment to look at and look at how God perfectly delivered a miracle...or 2 in our case. :) Sending special love to Grammy, my best friend and Mom.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
"The nights are long but the months go fast"
As I sit here to type...I don't even know where to start. The twins are almost 11 months old. I cannot believe that they will be one year old next month. It has been a blur and I feel like I don't remember most of it. Thankfully, my husband is our kids' paparazzi and takes so many pictures and videos, that I can remember it that way.
Parenting, in some ways, is the easiest and hardest thing I have ever experienced. Some days, the love you have for your kids will literally fuel your energy to make it through the day (or night.) The balance between work and family is impossible. If you figure it out....tell me and then write a book. At any given moment in the day, I am letting someone else down. I don't need the whole "You are enough" speech because I understand that but let's be real. We still feel that way even when we shouldn't. It hasn't helped that my career took a spiral downturn ever since I returned from maternity leave that culminated in them laying me off a few weeks ago but that was a blessing because I got a new job. The balance of Wife, Mother, friend and career woman is a constant juggling act.
Starting a new job, with 11 month old twins at home...is so overwhelming at times. On the other hand, if I have to leave my babies every day, it better be for a job that I care about!! I have spent the last 2 weeks trying to get life in order as much as I can. Stocking the freezer with meals, organizing and getting rid of stuff we don't need. Putting together a wardrobe at this weight has been less than exciting but oh well. The weight loss is for another day. It is WAY harder this time. My body is a mystery and I am at a loss. For any Mom who said, "I can't lose weight, it is too hard with my kids." I hear ya loud and clear! I barely have time to brush my teeth and shave my legs....time to work out!?! HAHA! I think the new job will help, meal planning, warmer weather and a more consistent schedule.
My children are hilarious...but did you expect anything less? ;o) Carter is my little sensitive guy who has the sweetest smile. He has handled teething like a total champ and I have just accepted that he needs to wake up at night, at least once. He gets SO excited when he learns new things and I just love how he makes me see the joy in little things. When he learned to clap, I thought he was going to jump up and down. He loves to read. Ben reads to the kids all the time and I will catch Carter sitting on the floor, crossing his little feet, turning the pages of books. Carter crosses his feet, at his ankles, ALL THE TIME. When he eats, in his high chair, in the car seat, on your lap and on the floor. I have never seen a baby sit like this but it is adorable. He is working on "toughing up" a little bit since his sister likes to dominate...well, everything. He is learning to fight back but mostly by pushing her down when she is standing on her own. Carter is my awesome eater. His favorite food is Spinach and cheese ravioli. He puts a handful in his mouth just as fast as I can cut up the next one. My favorite Carter moments are when he is reading books, eating, chasing his sister around and any time he learns something new.
Miss Elianna is preparing to rule the world. She likes to run the show and be in charge...hhhmm, no clue where she gets that from?! She is not afraid to show her many emotions to you but one of them is love. She loves to give kisses. Last week Carter fell down and he was crying. She crawled over and gave him the sweetest kiss on the cheek. Ben and I almost died it was so sweet. These are the moments when having Twins make up for the hard stuff. Elianna loves to snuggle and is walking a good 5-6 steps at a time. But what she really loves, is us watching her and celebrating her every step. She eats her food one little tiny piece at a time, picking it up with her 2 little fingers. She takes twice as long to eat as Carter. She also like to point...at everything. I kiss her little finger all the time and she touches everything with that little pointer finger to explore it. She is little miss giggles and giggles at almost everything. Not a big laugh but a little he he he. My kids laugh the hardest at each other. I can already tell that she is strong willed and will give us a challenge but strong willed children can change the world.
They both love to dance and do whatever it takes to get our phones and the tv remotes. We recently had to move them to different rooms to help with sleeping and it was a tough decision for Ben and I. We loved seeing them playing after nap time and having a crib in our room is tough but it has worked out well. Sleep....oh, sweet sleep. I didn't know I could function on this kinda of sleep. Honestly, it was easier when they were newborns. They were up every 4 hours, bottle, diaper and back to sleep. Now they could get up at any time, need nothing or everything and be up for 3 minutes to 3 hours. After you spend an hour getting one down, the other one will wake up. These are the nights where I struggle the most. Ben and I have a good system and the last few weeks have been better.
I don't even know if I would call it sleep training or whatever but we had to do something to help our kids learn to fall asleep on their own. We waited till they had a full belly with dry diapers and showing signs of being tired like rubbing their eyes and yawning. We then put them in their crib with their beloved Grandma June blanket, a book and small toy. The first few times were tough but we went in after 5 minutes and then 10 minutes to comfort them but put them back down. Eventually, they were able to only cry a few minutes and be asleep. We started with nap time and the last few days transitioned to also doing it at bedtime. This has been a game changer for sure!!!! This had to happen to help Ben keep his sanity when he is home with the kids. Now the kids are sleeping longer for naps (1.5-2 hours instead of 30 minutes - 1 hour) and bedtime is between 8:15 and 8:30 when it could have ranged from 8-10pm some nights. Elianna is also FINALLY sleeping through the night again which hasn't happened for 5 months. She will stay asleep from 8:30-5:45am...AMEN. I need at least one baby to sleep through the night for my sanity. Carter is getting much better. He is still up 1-2 times but is able to make it to 5:30/6am and goes back to sleep after a bottle instead of being up for hours on end. Ben is also my late night baby whisperer because he is able to get them back asleep when I can't. I am still a bit in shock that they are sleeping MORE during the day and better at night...but I guess some babies work like that.
Bottom line, we are blessed and loving every minute with our family. God is still making a way for us and for me to be able to provide for us. I start a new job on Monday that HE put in my life. New challenges but in a good way. My schedule will change and will be more time away from the kids but it had to happen at some point. I have loved being home the last 2 weeks and it will always be a special time.
Ben and I also got away to Florida for a much needed break. It was nice to have it just be "us" but we missed the kids so much. A BIG thank you to those of you who watched the kids while we were gone...Nona and Grandpa Ulland, Grammy and Papa Dodge, Aunt Sarah and Cousin Kristyn. You are all angels and I think our kids had a vacation of their own.
May 19th they will be one year old. In the world of twins..one year is BIG deal because we survived the hardest and best year of our life. It takes a village and we couldn't do it without the love, strength and grace of God, our family and friends, our church and each other.
We still pray for those of you still waiting for your miracle...not a day goes by that we don't remember how blessed we are.
Parenting, in some ways, is the easiest and hardest thing I have ever experienced. Some days, the love you have for your kids will literally fuel your energy to make it through the day (or night.) The balance between work and family is impossible. If you figure it out....tell me and then write a book. At any given moment in the day, I am letting someone else down. I don't need the whole "You are enough" speech because I understand that but let's be real. We still feel that way even when we shouldn't. It hasn't helped that my career took a spiral downturn ever since I returned from maternity leave that culminated in them laying me off a few weeks ago but that was a blessing because I got a new job. The balance of Wife, Mother, friend and career woman is a constant juggling act.
Starting a new job, with 11 month old twins at home...is so overwhelming at times. On the other hand, if I have to leave my babies every day, it better be for a job that I care about!! I have spent the last 2 weeks trying to get life in order as much as I can. Stocking the freezer with meals, organizing and getting rid of stuff we don't need. Putting together a wardrobe at this weight has been less than exciting but oh well. The weight loss is for another day. It is WAY harder this time. My body is a mystery and I am at a loss. For any Mom who said, "I can't lose weight, it is too hard with my kids." I hear ya loud and clear! I barely have time to brush my teeth and shave my legs....time to work out!?! HAHA! I think the new job will help, meal planning, warmer weather and a more consistent schedule.
My children are hilarious...but did you expect anything less? ;o) Carter is my little sensitive guy who has the sweetest smile. He has handled teething like a total champ and I have just accepted that he needs to wake up at night, at least once. He gets SO excited when he learns new things and I just love how he makes me see the joy in little things. When he learned to clap, I thought he was going to jump up and down. He loves to read. Ben reads to the kids all the time and I will catch Carter sitting on the floor, crossing his little feet, turning the pages of books. Carter crosses his feet, at his ankles, ALL THE TIME. When he eats, in his high chair, in the car seat, on your lap and on the floor. I have never seen a baby sit like this but it is adorable. He is working on "toughing up" a little bit since his sister likes to dominate...well, everything. He is learning to fight back but mostly by pushing her down when she is standing on her own. Carter is my awesome eater. His favorite food is Spinach and cheese ravioli. He puts a handful in his mouth just as fast as I can cut up the next one. My favorite Carter moments are when he is reading books, eating, chasing his sister around and any time he learns something new.
Miss Elianna is preparing to rule the world. She likes to run the show and be in charge...hhhmm, no clue where she gets that from?! She is not afraid to show her many emotions to you but one of them is love. She loves to give kisses. Last week Carter fell down and he was crying. She crawled over and gave him the sweetest kiss on the cheek. Ben and I almost died it was so sweet. These are the moments when having Twins make up for the hard stuff. Elianna loves to snuggle and is walking a good 5-6 steps at a time. But what she really loves, is us watching her and celebrating her every step. She eats her food one little tiny piece at a time, picking it up with her 2 little fingers. She takes twice as long to eat as Carter. She also like to point...at everything. I kiss her little finger all the time and she touches everything with that little pointer finger to explore it. She is little miss giggles and giggles at almost everything. Not a big laugh but a little he he he. My kids laugh the hardest at each other. I can already tell that she is strong willed and will give us a challenge but strong willed children can change the world.
They both love to dance and do whatever it takes to get our phones and the tv remotes. We recently had to move them to different rooms to help with sleeping and it was a tough decision for Ben and I. We loved seeing them playing after nap time and having a crib in our room is tough but it has worked out well. Sleep....oh, sweet sleep. I didn't know I could function on this kinda of sleep. Honestly, it was easier when they were newborns. They were up every 4 hours, bottle, diaper and back to sleep. Now they could get up at any time, need nothing or everything and be up for 3 minutes to 3 hours. After you spend an hour getting one down, the other one will wake up. These are the nights where I struggle the most. Ben and I have a good system and the last few weeks have been better.
I don't even know if I would call it sleep training or whatever but we had to do something to help our kids learn to fall asleep on their own. We waited till they had a full belly with dry diapers and showing signs of being tired like rubbing their eyes and yawning. We then put them in their crib with their beloved Grandma June blanket, a book and small toy. The first few times were tough but we went in after 5 minutes and then 10 minutes to comfort them but put them back down. Eventually, they were able to only cry a few minutes and be asleep. We started with nap time and the last few days transitioned to also doing it at bedtime. This has been a game changer for sure!!!! This had to happen to help Ben keep his sanity when he is home with the kids. Now the kids are sleeping longer for naps (1.5-2 hours instead of 30 minutes - 1 hour) and bedtime is between 8:15 and 8:30 when it could have ranged from 8-10pm some nights. Elianna is also FINALLY sleeping through the night again which hasn't happened for 5 months. She will stay asleep from 8:30-5:45am...AMEN. I need at least one baby to sleep through the night for my sanity. Carter is getting much better. He is still up 1-2 times but is able to make it to 5:30/6am and goes back to sleep after a bottle instead of being up for hours on end. Ben is also my late night baby whisperer because he is able to get them back asleep when I can't. I am still a bit in shock that they are sleeping MORE during the day and better at night...but I guess some babies work like that.
Bottom line, we are blessed and loving every minute with our family. God is still making a way for us and for me to be able to provide for us. I start a new job on Monday that HE put in my life. New challenges but in a good way. My schedule will change and will be more time away from the kids but it had to happen at some point. I have loved being home the last 2 weeks and it will always be a special time.
Ben and I also got away to Florida for a much needed break. It was nice to have it just be "us" but we missed the kids so much. A BIG thank you to those of you who watched the kids while we were gone...Nona and Grandpa Ulland, Grammy and Papa Dodge, Aunt Sarah and Cousin Kristyn. You are all angels and I think our kids had a vacation of their own.
May 19th they will be one year old. In the world of twins..one year is BIG deal because we survived the hardest and best year of our life. It takes a village and we couldn't do it without the love, strength and grace of God, our family and friends, our church and each other.
We still pray for those of you still waiting for your miracle...not a day goes by that we don't remember how blessed we are.
"I have to pee and then pump"
A few months ago, Ben and I are unloading our circus after going somewhere and I said to him, "I have to pee and then pump." and I think he said something like, "isn't that the story of your life."
I exclusively pumped breast milk for the twins for about 8 months. For 8 months, I hooked myself up to a machine...every 4 hours....for 8 months. I pumped at family functions, airport terminals, in the car, during conference calls and in the middle of the night. It is a LABOR OF LOVE and anyone who EPs is my hero. Nursing just didn't work out for us and this was the best that I could do. This journey was not easy and there were many, many days that I wanted to quit. This option gave my kids the best option for breast milk and I am thankful that it exists but every minute that I was pumping was another moment that I couldn't hold a baby, change a diaper or do something for them. One time my Aunt Sarah said, "What you are doing is a sacrifice for your kids" and I almost started crying right there because not everyone sees it that way but it really is. For most outsiders it looks like an inconvenience, an obligation or unnecessary, a reason you have to cut your outing short, an annoyance to your employer, or something that is limiting you. It is a sacrifice and it is hard. I had people in my life that helped support me and are the only reason I made it this long. Here are a few people I need to thank....
My mother...
My Mom was there for the birth of the twins and every moment after it for about a week. When people said, "You will just want your mom there" I didn't realize how incredibly true that would be. A part of it is that she has been through it all before and I just believe her more when she encourages me. My Mom was there to get various pumping supplies, washing a million bottles, trying to get the hospital grade pump to work and we can't forget the literal and figurative "melt down" where we lost a few pumping parts to the microwave sterilization bag. She was also there to (nicely) force me to pump when I didn't want to. It took 5 whole days for my milk to come in. I was pumping every few hours and NOTHING would come out but I had to keep doing it. Anyone who helped us had to do extra work while I had to sit there an pump. I will also value our conversations in the wee morning hours when I would pump and she would feed the babies. Or that one time over Christmas break when both the kids were teething and crying hysterically. I had tried to pump a good 3 times while trying to comfort them both. When I finally was able to get both kids content, I was emotionally spent but I had to still pump. I sat in the living room, while my family played a card game in the kitchen and basically cried while I pumped. At a moment when you think you have nothing left to give...you find it within you to pump that precious liquid gold for your precious babies. My Mom came into the room and sat on the couch and didn't say a word. Moms know when you just need to have someone sit with you. Maybe she doesn't even think it was a big deal but it was to me.
My Friend Jess Grewe...
Most of you know of Jess as "My friend with 2 sets of twins" but this woman is incredible. Not only did she send me a full maternity wardrobe, twin nursing pillow, baby clothes, bottles and more....she exclusively pumped for both her sets of twins and went 13.5 months for her 2nd set of twins. She was my main supporter to exclusively pump. She added me to the most amazing support group of women on facebook that were my lifeline. She encouraged me on the days that I really wanted to quit and offered the best advice. "Never quit on a bad day" She gave me the tough love when I needed it and the loving support when I was ready to be done. I wouldn't have made it past the first few weeks without her help.
My Amazing Husband...
For 8 months...there were 3 of us in our marriage. Ben, myself and my pump. We scheduled life around my pumping schedule and couldn't go anywhere without having access every 4 hours. Many nights Ben would wake up to the faint sound of the pump going. One of ways he would help is hauling my pump from the bedroom to the living every day, washing all the supplies and putting my late night pumped milk in the fridge. For every minute I was hooked up to the machine was another minute that Ben was on his own to care for the kids. Many early mornings where he would have to go get the kids while I finished my morning pump which usually took over an hour. During all this time, he never once asked me to stop pumping. He would ask "how long do you think you will pump?" and I usually didn't have a solid answer for him. His patience was amazing and I can't thank him enough for picking up the slack while I gave our babies their best start at life.
As the kids became more mobile...it got a lot tougher and I just felt like it was time to stop. I was also one of the "not-so-lucky" women who didn't lose ANY weight while breastfeeding/pumping. Not a single pound. My body was holding onto everything as I tried to produce food for 2 babies. Any decrease in calories would hurt my supply that was already not enough for both the kids. There were many many factors that led to my decision to stop at 8 months. I am happy that I could provide at least some milk to them and now I am thankful for extra hours in the day to hold them. I do have a small freezer stash that will give them each a bottle of day of breast milk for a few months.
We were lucky enough to asked to speak at an "Expecting Multiples" class by Amma this past week and it felt good to talk about the option to pump. I don't think many moms know about it and it usually isn't plan A but for a lot of women, it is a good plan B.
Now that I am done pumping and my body is starting to get back to normal. It is time to start chipping away at the weight gain. Ironically, I weigh the exact same as I did when I started my weight loss journey back in December of 2009. I gained a total of 100 pounds during my pregnancy and I dropped 50 pounds within the first few weeks of their birth. Since then, nothing. I am not going to lie...the task of losing 80 pounds...again...it a bit overwhelming. My body is different and I don't think the same approach is going to work. I plan to blog about "Round 2" of weight loss but that is for another day.
To my fellow pumpers...
I exclusively pumped breast milk for the twins for about 8 months. For 8 months, I hooked myself up to a machine...every 4 hours....for 8 months. I pumped at family functions, airport terminals, in the car, during conference calls and in the middle of the night. It is a LABOR OF LOVE and anyone who EPs is my hero. Nursing just didn't work out for us and this was the best that I could do. This journey was not easy and there were many, many days that I wanted to quit. This option gave my kids the best option for breast milk and I am thankful that it exists but every minute that I was pumping was another moment that I couldn't hold a baby, change a diaper or do something for them. One time my Aunt Sarah said, "What you are doing is a sacrifice for your kids" and I almost started crying right there because not everyone sees it that way but it really is. For most outsiders it looks like an inconvenience, an obligation or unnecessary, a reason you have to cut your outing short, an annoyance to your employer, or something that is limiting you. It is a sacrifice and it is hard. I had people in my life that helped support me and are the only reason I made it this long. Here are a few people I need to thank....
My mother...
My Mom was there for the birth of the twins and every moment after it for about a week. When people said, "You will just want your mom there" I didn't realize how incredibly true that would be. A part of it is that she has been through it all before and I just believe her more when she encourages me. My Mom was there to get various pumping supplies, washing a million bottles, trying to get the hospital grade pump to work and we can't forget the literal and figurative "melt down" where we lost a few pumping parts to the microwave sterilization bag. She was also there to (nicely) force me to pump when I didn't want to. It took 5 whole days for my milk to come in. I was pumping every few hours and NOTHING would come out but I had to keep doing it. Anyone who helped us had to do extra work while I had to sit there an pump. I will also value our conversations in the wee morning hours when I would pump and she would feed the babies. Or that one time over Christmas break when both the kids were teething and crying hysterically. I had tried to pump a good 3 times while trying to comfort them both. When I finally was able to get both kids content, I was emotionally spent but I had to still pump. I sat in the living room, while my family played a card game in the kitchen and basically cried while I pumped. At a moment when you think you have nothing left to give...you find it within you to pump that precious liquid gold for your precious babies. My Mom came into the room and sat on the couch and didn't say a word. Moms know when you just need to have someone sit with you. Maybe she doesn't even think it was a big deal but it was to me.
My Friend Jess Grewe...
Most of you know of Jess as "My friend with 2 sets of twins" but this woman is incredible. Not only did she send me a full maternity wardrobe, twin nursing pillow, baby clothes, bottles and more....she exclusively pumped for both her sets of twins and went 13.5 months for her 2nd set of twins. She was my main supporter to exclusively pump. She added me to the most amazing support group of women on facebook that were my lifeline. She encouraged me on the days that I really wanted to quit and offered the best advice. "Never quit on a bad day" She gave me the tough love when I needed it and the loving support when I was ready to be done. I wouldn't have made it past the first few weeks without her help.
My Amazing Husband...
For 8 months...there were 3 of us in our marriage. Ben, myself and my pump. We scheduled life around my pumping schedule and couldn't go anywhere without having access every 4 hours. Many nights Ben would wake up to the faint sound of the pump going. One of ways he would help is hauling my pump from the bedroom to the living every day, washing all the supplies and putting my late night pumped milk in the fridge. For every minute I was hooked up to the machine was another minute that Ben was on his own to care for the kids. Many early mornings where he would have to go get the kids while I finished my morning pump which usually took over an hour. During all this time, he never once asked me to stop pumping. He would ask "how long do you think you will pump?" and I usually didn't have a solid answer for him. His patience was amazing and I can't thank him enough for picking up the slack while I gave our babies their best start at life.
As the kids became more mobile...it got a lot tougher and I just felt like it was time to stop. I was also one of the "not-so-lucky" women who didn't lose ANY weight while breastfeeding/pumping. Not a single pound. My body was holding onto everything as I tried to produce food for 2 babies. Any decrease in calories would hurt my supply that was already not enough for both the kids. There were many many factors that led to my decision to stop at 8 months. I am happy that I could provide at least some milk to them and now I am thankful for extra hours in the day to hold them. I do have a small freezer stash that will give them each a bottle of day of breast milk for a few months.
We were lucky enough to asked to speak at an "Expecting Multiples" class by Amma this past week and it felt good to talk about the option to pump. I don't think many moms know about it and it usually isn't plan A but for a lot of women, it is a good plan B.
Now that I am done pumping and my body is starting to get back to normal. It is time to start chipping away at the weight gain. Ironically, I weigh the exact same as I did when I started my weight loss journey back in December of 2009. I gained a total of 100 pounds during my pregnancy and I dropped 50 pounds within the first few weeks of their birth. Since then, nothing. I am not going to lie...the task of losing 80 pounds...again...it a bit overwhelming. My body is different and I don't think the same approach is going to work. I plan to blog about "Round 2" of weight loss but that is for another day.
To my fellow pumpers...
The Feeling of Failing
Unfinished Post from February 2015
Well, my last post was in October....so I am not blogging as much as I had planned but good Lord, we are busy. Whatever small amount of down time we get...we try to have adult conversations about things beside puke and poop, clean the bathroom or close our eyes. Busy isn't even the best word to use. I think they could create a new words for busy that parents of multiple children could use. This will be another disjointed blog post to try to update you on all things going on with the Ullands.
Ben said something so honest and touching to me the other night. We were talking about the many things we didn't get done that weekend and he just looked at me and said, "I just feel like I'm failing..." and I said, "Welcome to parenthood. There are never enough hours in the day to get done everything that we need to do. If you give your all as a parent, your career suffers. If you give your all to your career, your marriage suffers and so on. All we can do is the best we can do and love our kids like crazy in the process."
I am so used to being "on top of everything" and being able to juggle several balls in the air while looking calm as can be. That phase of my life has flown out the window. I feel like ANY change to our daily lives has a huge impact on us. If I have to work late one night...I can see the effect of that on all of us for the next 4 days. If one baby gets sick...it takes more energy and effort and sleepless nights until they are health again. If I ask you to wash your hands or not touch my child it is because all I see, when I look at your hands, is even less sleep for me and Ben. Sleep is like GOLD...or more like fairy dust because you can't buy it.
A few nights ago, Carter was up every.single.hour from 11pm-6am. This was WAY worse than his newborn days. Nothing will make you more crazy that trying to "Figure out" why your kid isn't sleeping, pooping, napping....whatever it is, it will consume your mind. God bless little Elianna that is still sleeping through the night like a champ. She has always been more accommodating when her brother needs a little more attention. Carter's latest issue has been waking up in the middle of the night and then vomiting all over the place. Usually all over me and last night my wonderful Father-in-law who offered to help while I am away at a conference. So the investigation starts to try to solve this new issue.
Well, my last post was in October....so I am not blogging as much as I had planned but good Lord, we are busy. Whatever small amount of down time we get...we try to have adult conversations about things beside puke and poop, clean the bathroom or close our eyes. Busy isn't even the best word to use. I think they could create a new words for busy that parents of multiple children could use. This will be another disjointed blog post to try to update you on all things going on with the Ullands.
Ben said something so honest and touching to me the other night. We were talking about the many things we didn't get done that weekend and he just looked at me and said, "I just feel like I'm failing..." and I said, "Welcome to parenthood. There are never enough hours in the day to get done everything that we need to do. If you give your all as a parent, your career suffers. If you give your all to your career, your marriage suffers and so on. All we can do is the best we can do and love our kids like crazy in the process."
I am so used to being "on top of everything" and being able to juggle several balls in the air while looking calm as can be. That phase of my life has flown out the window. I feel like ANY change to our daily lives has a huge impact on us. If I have to work late one night...I can see the effect of that on all of us for the next 4 days. If one baby gets sick...it takes more energy and effort and sleepless nights until they are health again. If I ask you to wash your hands or not touch my child it is because all I see, when I look at your hands, is even less sleep for me and Ben. Sleep is like GOLD...or more like fairy dust because you can't buy it.
A few nights ago, Carter was up every.single.hour from 11pm-6am. This was WAY worse than his newborn days. Nothing will make you more crazy that trying to "Figure out" why your kid isn't sleeping, pooping, napping....whatever it is, it will consume your mind. God bless little Elianna that is still sleeping through the night like a champ. She has always been more accommodating when her brother needs a little more attention. Carter's latest issue has been waking up in the middle of the night and then vomiting all over the place. Usually all over me and last night my wonderful Father-in-law who offered to help while I am away at a conference. So the investigation starts to try to solve this new issue.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
A little update...
I have had about 500 blog ideas in the past few months. I write them in my head in the middle of the night, while I am driving and when I am hooked up to the breast pump but they never make it out for real. I am going to sum up several thoughts, really quickly, so here we go.
The kids are almost 5 months old...yes the time goes by fast but I feel like we cherish every single moment with them. Elianna was 14lbs 8oz and Carter was 16 lbs at their last appointment. We have only rushed into urgent care twice with 1st time parent worries, only to be sent home with reasons like teething and a mild sinus bug. We successfully transitioned the kids from Rock and Plays into their cribs. It went WAY better than expected but I probably got up to check on them a dozen times each night for the first few days. They are still sleeping great. We usually get a 8/9pm-5/6am stretch but pretty regularly, someone needs to get up around 4am for a snack. I understand that we are extremely lucky and my heart goes out to mommas out there that are still getting 2 hours at a time. You are amazing.
Due to an unforeseen change, Ben is no longer working at the YMCA. Unfortunately, we are pretty used to having one of us lose our job so we just had to roll with it. When you have been through, what we have been through...you question God's plan less and less. We took this as a way for Ben to be home with the kids and finally start building his personal training business at Success Fitness in Maplewood. He can work with clients without a membership fee and he can make his own schedule. He can work 10 hours a week and make what it would have taken 30 hours to make at the YMCA. Here is my plug for my amazing husband...He can do training in your home or at the gym in Maplewood. Please find him on facebook by searching Ulland Fitness.
On another note, my husband is an incredible stay-at-home Dad. He reads to the kids, works on tummy time, takes them for runs and loves on them all day. I am so happy that our babies are home and with their Daddy during the day.
Being a working Mom is hard. Harder than I imagined. I knew I would miss them but I have always taken my career so seriously and I am (now more than ever) the one who brings home the bacon. I thought I would want a break from being with 2 infants...but I don't. I miss them all the time and I usually try not to think about them too much during the day. I find it easier that way. I have missed both of them rolling over for the first time. I missed it. It will never happen again and I was in an office somewhere, staring at a computer screen. I missed it. I also think that because we are not planning on having more children, every milestone I miss hurts a little more. I will never be able to be a parent who can stay at home. I am trying to adjust and tell myself all the things that working parents have to say to leave our kids each day, but it is hard. It doesn't help that my job has changed, I was demoted due to a company reorganization and my overall work environment is very stressful right now. It makes leaving them even harder. I can understand why people with children don't go to parties, happy hour or trips to the vineyard on the weekends. They want to be with their kids. I want to get puked and peed on. I want to change 20 diapers a day and I want to have used every ounce of energy before I lay my head down at night. I had bought tickets to the theater for my birthday and I didn't want to even go. I cried because I had to work that Saturday and I had barely seen the kids. I wanted to blow off my birthday plans to sit on the couch with them. We waiting so long for them and I don't want to miss a minute.
I am still pumping....almost 5 months of hooking up my very delicate body parts to a machine that man-handles them for 45 minutes, every 4 hours for liquid gold. I still don't make enough for both of the kids but I have come to accept that. I tried every trick in the book...Gatorade, oatmeal, flax seed, supplements, beer, smart water, coconut water and lactation cookies. Ok, I still eat those because they taste yummy and my Grandma makes them for me. My original goal was to pump for 3 months and my next goal is 6 months. Some days I hate it so much and other days, I think I could do it for a year. I hate it the most when I have to give up sleep to pump and when I have to listen to my babies cry because I am hooked up to the pump and can't pick them up. Most days it is just annoying. I pump in my car...pause for reaction...don't worry, I use a hands-free bra and I have only given a few truck drivers a show but it saves me time! I will pump past 6 months...but I don't know how long I will go. Right now, it is a huge financial decision. Formula for twins is ridiculous and I am sure we are saving at least $300 a month. Obviously, it is the best thing for my babies and that matters to me but I will just keep pumping until I don't want to or can't anymore.
The babies are doing so well. They are happy, smiling and starting to learn how to use their little bodies. Elianna is ready to sit up all the time but she has a little ways to go. She is SO smiley. Seriously, I think her face must hurt at the end of the day from her really big smiles. She is grunting a lot lately which is adorable. My sweet little girl lights up a room and is already an eternal optimist, just like her Daddy. Mr. Carter is a little shy guy. He will smile but usually turns away and it is more of a grin. He looks like he is always up to something. He has mastered "the lip" and he will stick that bottom lip out so far...it will break your heart. Their little laughs are so different and they think different things are funny. In the mornings, I have started to lay them next to each other on the bed to see how they interact. Elianna will try to eat any and all of Carter's body parts and Carter just lets her. I can't wait to see how their relationship grows. We are so incredibly blessed and they get more fun every day. We are still new parents, trying to balance being parents, spouses, and friends. There is little energy or time at the end of the day but we work with what we have.
I would like to promise that I will blog more but I don't know if I can follow through on that. I will keep trying because I love sharing with all of you since so many of you prayed for our little miracles.
The kids are almost 5 months old...yes the time goes by fast but I feel like we cherish every single moment with them. Elianna was 14lbs 8oz and Carter was 16 lbs at their last appointment. We have only rushed into urgent care twice with 1st time parent worries, only to be sent home with reasons like teething and a mild sinus bug. We successfully transitioned the kids from Rock and Plays into their cribs. It went WAY better than expected but I probably got up to check on them a dozen times each night for the first few days. They are still sleeping great. We usually get a 8/9pm-5/6am stretch but pretty regularly, someone needs to get up around 4am for a snack. I understand that we are extremely lucky and my heart goes out to mommas out there that are still getting 2 hours at a time. You are amazing.
Due to an unforeseen change, Ben is no longer working at the YMCA. Unfortunately, we are pretty used to having one of us lose our job so we just had to roll with it. When you have been through, what we have been through...you question God's plan less and less. We took this as a way for Ben to be home with the kids and finally start building his personal training business at Success Fitness in Maplewood. He can work with clients without a membership fee and he can make his own schedule. He can work 10 hours a week and make what it would have taken 30 hours to make at the YMCA. Here is my plug for my amazing husband...He can do training in your home or at the gym in Maplewood. Please find him on facebook by searching Ulland Fitness.
On another note, my husband is an incredible stay-at-home Dad. He reads to the kids, works on tummy time, takes them for runs and loves on them all day. I am so happy that our babies are home and with their Daddy during the day.
Being a working Mom is hard. Harder than I imagined. I knew I would miss them but I have always taken my career so seriously and I am (now more than ever) the one who brings home the bacon. I thought I would want a break from being with 2 infants...but I don't. I miss them all the time and I usually try not to think about them too much during the day. I find it easier that way. I have missed both of them rolling over for the first time. I missed it. It will never happen again and I was in an office somewhere, staring at a computer screen. I missed it. I also think that because we are not planning on having more children, every milestone I miss hurts a little more. I will never be able to be a parent who can stay at home. I am trying to adjust and tell myself all the things that working parents have to say to leave our kids each day, but it is hard. It doesn't help that my job has changed, I was demoted due to a company reorganization and my overall work environment is very stressful right now. It makes leaving them even harder. I can understand why people with children don't go to parties, happy hour or trips to the vineyard on the weekends. They want to be with their kids. I want to get puked and peed on. I want to change 20 diapers a day and I want to have used every ounce of energy before I lay my head down at night. I had bought tickets to the theater for my birthday and I didn't want to even go. I cried because I had to work that Saturday and I had barely seen the kids. I wanted to blow off my birthday plans to sit on the couch with them. We waiting so long for them and I don't want to miss a minute.
I am still pumping....almost 5 months of hooking up my very delicate body parts to a machine that man-handles them for 45 minutes, every 4 hours for liquid gold. I still don't make enough for both of the kids but I have come to accept that. I tried every trick in the book...Gatorade, oatmeal, flax seed, supplements, beer, smart water, coconut water and lactation cookies. Ok, I still eat those because they taste yummy and my Grandma makes them for me. My original goal was to pump for 3 months and my next goal is 6 months. Some days I hate it so much and other days, I think I could do it for a year. I hate it the most when I have to give up sleep to pump and when I have to listen to my babies cry because I am hooked up to the pump and can't pick them up. Most days it is just annoying. I pump in my car...pause for reaction...don't worry, I use a hands-free bra and I have only given a few truck drivers a show but it saves me time! I will pump past 6 months...but I don't know how long I will go. Right now, it is a huge financial decision. Formula for twins is ridiculous and I am sure we are saving at least $300 a month. Obviously, it is the best thing for my babies and that matters to me but I will just keep pumping until I don't want to or can't anymore.
The babies are doing so well. They are happy, smiling and starting to learn how to use their little bodies. Elianna is ready to sit up all the time but she has a little ways to go. She is SO smiley. Seriously, I think her face must hurt at the end of the day from her really big smiles. She is grunting a lot lately which is adorable. My sweet little girl lights up a room and is already an eternal optimist, just like her Daddy. Mr. Carter is a little shy guy. He will smile but usually turns away and it is more of a grin. He looks like he is always up to something. He has mastered "the lip" and he will stick that bottom lip out so far...it will break your heart. Their little laughs are so different and they think different things are funny. In the mornings, I have started to lay them next to each other on the bed to see how they interact. Elianna will try to eat any and all of Carter's body parts and Carter just lets her. I can't wait to see how their relationship grows. We are so incredibly blessed and they get more fun every day. We are still new parents, trying to balance being parents, spouses, and friends. There is little energy or time at the end of the day but we work with what we have.
I would like to promise that I will blog more but I don't know if I can follow through on that. I will keep trying because I love sharing with all of you since so many of you prayed for our little miracles.
Monday, July 28, 2014
You just had to be there...
I realized that I never shared any pictures from our birth so here are a few to look at. The raw emotion in some of them still brings tears to my eyes. A few are a little messy and well, I wasn't looking my best but they are real.
I was a "little" tired at this point when Carter was born but it was a marathon and I still had a little girl to think about. Luckily, Carter paved the way for his sister and the next round was much easier.
Ben and I welcoming Mr. Carter into the world.
This picture is the essence of my Mother. She is comforting me, with Carter on my chest and we are both full of emotion. My Mom was there for the many, many tearful conversations on our journey to getting pregnant...this time they were tears of pure joy.
I love this picture of Elianna. She came quietly into the world just looking around. She is still my patient, calm baby.
Elianna kept putting her hands on my face when they laid her on my chest.
THIS was the moment I finally took a sigh of relief. When I had them both safely in my arms. The 4 of us all back together after 38 weeks of waiting. I felt so complete at this moment. I held two, living, breathing answers to prayers.
First Family Picture!
I imagine the things they would have said to each other in this moment. But whatever the conversation, I am sure it ended with, "I don't know what just happened but I am glad you are here with me"
Update on the Ulland Twins!
They are doing wonderful. I really am truly blessed with easy babies. They are both sleeping 6-7 hours a night which is an absolute miracle. I am still pumping for both of them and it is going better now that I am in a routine. Carter is still our outspoken baby who lets us know when it is time to eat and that he needs his diaper changed...immediately. Carter is 11lbs and 6oz and Elianna is 10lbs 11oz. Elianna is pretty calm and usually lets us feed her hungry brother first or take our time getting to her diaper. Ben and I are loving every busy moment as parents of twins. I am back to work full-time and with the incredible help of our family, the kids have only been to the YMCA daycare one time. We are so blessed and so thankful.
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