Statistics...*sigh*

We live in a world where statistics rule our lives. We use them to evaluate risk, influence our choices and rationalize our experiences. Especially in the journey of trying to get pregnant and pregnancy itself.

 Statistics are comforting until they don't go in your favor or when they don't apply at all. At first it can look optimistic but what I hate is that if you don't fit into with what the numbers predict...then what? Is all hope lost?

There have been times when I hated the numbers...I hated the hope I put in them and the hopelessness they made me feel. I spent a lot of time praying in the car and I know that I got a clear message from God. I have had trouble explaining how a person can "hear" from God but there were many factors that made me sure this time. I found myself going over and over the numbers in my head feeling defeated and doubting God's faithfulness. At that moment, I heard in my head, "I will beat the odds." Those words could NOT have possibly been mine because I was out of optimism at that point.

This has been my motto from even before we were blessed with good news in September. I have to remind myself that God is not limited by science, biology or anything else.

All these numbers...really mean nothing. God doesn't work with statistics. I had to remind myself of that daily during our journey to get pregnant and it was all practice for when we found out we were having twins and the statistics were now scary.

Any and everything that could go wrong while pregnant has a higher chance with multiples. The first book I read about carrying twins was basically a long list of all the possible complications we could encounter during the next 9 months and beyond. By the point in the book where they actually tell you how much it costs per day/per baby to be in the NICU, I was in tears. We had been through so much to get to think point that another 9 months of holding my breathe seemed exhausting. I believed that God gave us these babies but I honestly didn't know how it would end. Every day I had to say that "He will beat the odds."

I purposely didn't ask our doctor about our chances of the Sub-chorionic hemorrhage ending in miscarriage or the risks associated with the placenta placement of baby girl, or my chances of         pre-term labor with these complications. I don't need to know the statistics because they don't apply to us.

Here we are...22 weeks today. Our past complications have resolved themselves and we have two beautiful babies growing bigger every day. We will likely have more challenges ahead but I believe that we will beat the odds.

If you are looking at a situation in your life and you think the numbers are no longer in your favor...remember that God doesn't report his numbers each year and miracles are cannot be measured.

22 weeks Baby Bump

Moments to remember:
-Feeling the first real kick from each baby ~ I could sit for hours and feel them move. They assure me everyday that they are still ok.
-Ben talking to my tummy each night reminding the babies to stay in there and keep growing
-Having my mom touch my big belly
-Seeing an ultrasound with no hemorrhage
-Other women contacting me that are struggling to get pregnant after posting on FB...praying for them always
-Hearing my OB's nurse tell me that I have such a happy disposition when I tell her about my difficult pregnancy symptoms. It is a state of mind to be grateful for each symptom good or bad.
-Cambria (my 4 year old niece) informing me of who would be playing with each baby when they arrived. She has it all worked out...Autumn and baby girl would be friends. Cam and Norah would play with baby boy.

20 Weeks Update

Most of you don't know our whole story and most of you never will. All you need to know is that we have waiting and prayed for a long time to start our family. I feel like I am living a dream...21 weeks pregnant with twins.

I have wanted to blog sooner but honestly, I was still holding my breathe and didn't want to get too far ahead of myself. I love sharing my honest thoughts about life, faith, struggle, victory and this journey is the greatest combination of all those things. This post will be more of a summary up until this point and then I hope to blog each week. Thank you for reading!

Here is a little history of the last 20 weeks!

September 20th - Phone call to say we were pregnant. (we did a blood test) ABSOLUTE disbelief and lots of tears of joy. We agree to celebrate each day but not much farther ahead than that. I am always surprised that people announce their pregnancies just days after they find out. I am very aware of the stastitics of what can happen in those first few months but we trusted that God would continue this journey. We valued every single day knowing it may not last.

October 14th - 7 weeks: First ultrasound...excitment, fear, anxiety, hopefullness...all of it in one jumbled mess. Nothing can explain the joy of seeing that little flicker on the screen...and then we saw ANOTHER little flicker. Fraternal Twins. Unreal.

This scripture is ALL that I can say to describe this whole experience:
Ephesians 3:20 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,"

We never prayed for twins. I thought that was selfish...all we wanted was one healthy baby, just one would be a miracle...God had better plans.

November 7th - 10 weeks: Red spotting at midnight. No words can explain how I felt. I just prayed, "Jesus, hold my babies." over and over again. These babies were His before they were ever mine. He loved them more than I ever could be we were terrified. We went to the ER...waited the longest 45 minutes EVER to get an ultrasound...babies were ok. They found a small sub-chorionic hemhorrage near Baby A's placenta. Basically, a small pocket of blood from bleeding inbetween the uterine lining and the placenta. Good news: it happens in 1/4 pregnancies and can go away on its own with no issues. Bad news: it could impact the growth of Baby A and lead to the loss of one or both babies.

The next 6 weeks resulted in us at the OB office almost every 2 weeks for one reason or another. Usually checking on the hemhorrage which got bigger at one point. At times they were concerned my water may have broke and other scary things. I just continued to pray that Jesus would hold my babies and keep them safe.

Januray 12th - 20 weeks: When you have twins, 20 weeks is like the 1st trimester check point for a single baby. This was a big day. We took our first bump picture this week and I finally felt like I could take a sigh of relief that we made it this far. At our 20 week ultrasound the hemhorrage is completely gone! The bleeding stopped and my body obsorbed and healed itself. Lots of people were praying for this, just another answered prayer. Both babies are healthy, normal and measuring on track. Praise God.

There are still days when I can't believe that is me in the picture and that this is actually happening. We still have a long ways to get to "full term" for these babies but we are over half way. This is one of my bump pictures. Next time I will post some baby pics.

You can join us in praying for Baby Girl and Baby Boy (yes, one of each! Blessed!) as we wait for their arrival.

19 WEEKS

20 WEEKS - I really popped this week! I feel bigger every day!

* If you have other questions about our journey, please feel free to contact me.

'Twas the night before another OB visit

We have had many more ultrasounds and doctor visits than most pregnant women have. Some of that is because we are having twins and also because we have had some complications. Today was one of our scheduled visit. The plan is to go every 4 weeks but we have really be in almost every 2 weeks the past 6 weeks. I laid awake in bed last night...like I do most nights...thinking of everything we will need times two, future birthdays and Christmases and the other one million things I could think about.

I always get excited to see our babies. See them getting bigger and moving around but there is always a part of me that wonders if everything is alright. I have been dealing with a sub-chorionic hemorrhage since 10 weeks...don't google it...trust me. Basically, it is a small pocket of blood that is between the uterine lining and the placenta. It happens in 1 out of 4 pregnancies and with 2 babies, my chances were a bit higher. It is unexplainable and can't be treated. We just wait and see....6 weeks now of waiting and hoping it doesn't effect Baby A's growth or something worse. At this point it hasn't had any negative effect on either babies. Praise God! With each ultrasound, I just pray that everything looks good. Since I can't feel them move at this stage, there is no constant way to know that everything is ok. I just have to trust in Him.

After about 2 hours of laying awake in bed...I decide that what will be, will be. "What God ordains...He will sustain." We just go one day at a time...that is all that we can do. The babies looked great today. We got to see them both moving around and we got another guess on their genders! They are starting to form personailites..at least to us. Baby B likes to put on a show and give us great pictures and wave. Baby A is shy...likes to turn his/her back to us and just snuggle in for a nice nap.

I just thank God for every day that I get to be their Momma.

16 Weeks Update

Now that this is finally starting to feel real...I feel comfortable to blog about our twin pregnancy journey!

We have had some scary moments over the past 2 months but we trust that God holds our little babies in His hands. We take each day as it comes and I am thankful that I am pregnant today with 2 beautiful miracle babies.

It is starting to feel more real as my body starts changing and my stomach is getting bigger. It wasn't that small and flat to begin with but it is definatly growing. We told the rest of the (facebook) world and it was an experience. I remember seeing dozens of announcements on my newsfeed over the past few years with mixed emotions. It felt surreal to finally be sharing our goods news but my mind never forgets those out there still waiting for their miracle.

The next big milestone is learning what their genders are! We have had a "gut" feeling for a while but it will be very exciting to have a more education guess. We plan to tell close family but keep it a secret for a while.

I really want to make a note of the little things so we don't forget them...here are some recent highlights...

-Ben always kisses my tummy twice (one for each baby) each night before bed. Since I told him they can hear our voices now, he reminds them that they need to stay in there and keep growing!
-The last ultrasound we got to see both babies moving at the same time. Usually one of them is sleeping but it was crazy to see them both moving around and how close they are to each other.
-We are narrowing down our name choices..so far there have been no big debates!
- I thought I felt something move around in there a few days ago...nothing for sure but it could happen soon!

Is this really happening???

I kept asking my husband this yesterday. Is this really happening right now?

We have been married 5 years and you don't need to know the details but it has taken us a long long long time to get here. It has finally happened...we are pregnant! Just typing that now doesn't even feel real. I kept saying it out loud to him yesterday trying to get it to register but it still feels unreal.

I will admit that I have doubted God. I have questioned his timing and his methods. I have felt forgotten and betrayed. We all feel these things but few admit them. Now that we are (newly) on the other side of the journey...I still remember those days. The hardest days have already started to fade...as we look ahead to a wonderful and exciting future.

I am cautiously excited...we still have a long way to go. I am only 4 weeks a long but I am hopeful and will continue to be because my hope comes from above. I ran out of my own hope and strength a long time ago!

All the waiting....here we are. Pregnant today.