I have had about 500 blog ideas in the past few months. I write them in my head in the middle of the night, while I am driving and when I am hooked up to the breast pump but they never make it out for real. I am going to sum up several thoughts, really quickly, so here we go.
The kids are almost 5 months old...yes the time goes by fast but I feel like we cherish every single moment with them. Elianna was 14lbs 8oz and Carter was 16 lbs at their last appointment. We have only rushed into urgent care twice with 1st time parent worries, only to be sent home with reasons like teething and a mild sinus bug. We successfully transitioned the kids from Rock and Plays into their cribs. It went WAY better than expected but I probably got up to check on them a dozen times each night for the first few days. They are still sleeping great. We usually get a 8/9pm-5/6am stretch but pretty regularly, someone needs to get up around 4am for a snack. I understand that we are extremely lucky and my heart goes out to mommas out there that are still getting 2 hours at a time. You are amazing.
Due to an unforeseen change, Ben is no longer working at the YMCA. Unfortunately, we are pretty used to having one of us lose our job so we just had to roll with it. When you have been through, what we have been through...you question God's plan less and less. We took this as a way for Ben to be home with the kids and finally start building his personal training business at Success Fitness in Maplewood. He can work with clients without a membership fee and he can make his own schedule. He can work 10 hours a week and make what it would have taken 30 hours to make at the YMCA. Here is my plug for my amazing husband...He can do training in your home or at the gym in Maplewood. Please find him on facebook by searching Ulland Fitness.
On another note, my husband is an incredible stay-at-home Dad. He reads to the kids, works on tummy time, takes them for runs and loves on them all day. I am so happy that our babies are home and with their Daddy during the day.
Being a working Mom is hard. Harder than I imagined. I knew I would miss them but I have always taken my career so seriously and I am (now more than ever) the one who brings home the bacon. I thought I would want a break from being with 2 infants...but I don't. I miss them all the time and I usually try not to think about them too much during the day. I find it easier that way. I have missed both of them rolling over for the first time. I missed it. It will never happen again and I was in an office somewhere, staring at a computer screen. I missed it. I also think that because we are not planning on having more children, every milestone I miss hurts a little more. I will never be able to be a parent who can stay at home. I am trying to adjust and tell myself all the things that working parents have to say to leave our kids each day, but it is hard. It doesn't help that my job has changed, I was demoted due to a company reorganization and my overall work environment is very stressful right now. It makes leaving them even harder. I can understand why people with children don't go to parties, happy hour or trips to the vineyard on the weekends. They want to be with their kids. I want to get puked and peed on. I want to change 20 diapers a day and I want to have used every ounce of energy before I lay my head down at night. I had bought tickets to the theater for my birthday and I didn't want to even go. I cried because I had to work that Saturday and I had barely seen the kids. I wanted to blow off my birthday plans to sit on the couch with them. We waiting so long for them and I don't want to miss a minute.
I am still pumping....almost 5 months of hooking up my very delicate body parts to a machine that man-handles them for 45 minutes, every 4 hours for liquid gold. I still don't make enough for both of the kids but I have come to accept that. I tried every trick in the book...Gatorade, oatmeal, flax seed, supplements, beer, smart water, coconut water and lactation cookies. Ok, I still eat those because they taste yummy and my Grandma makes them for me. My original goal was to pump for 3 months and my next goal is 6 months. Some days I hate it so much and other days, I think I could do it for a year. I hate it the most when I have to give up sleep to pump and when I have to listen to my babies cry because I am hooked up to the pump and can't pick them up. Most days it is just annoying. I pump in my car...pause for reaction...don't worry, I use a hands-free bra and I have only given a few truck drivers a show but it saves me time! I will pump past 6 months...but I don't know how long I will go. Right now, it is a huge financial decision. Formula for twins is ridiculous and I am sure we are saving at least $300 a month. Obviously, it is the best thing for my babies and that matters to me but I will just keep pumping until I don't want to or can't anymore.
The babies are doing so well. They are happy, smiling and starting to learn how to use their little bodies. Elianna is ready to sit up all the time but she has a little ways to go. She is SO smiley. Seriously, I think her face must hurt at the end of the day from her really big smiles. She is grunting a lot lately which is adorable. My sweet little girl lights up a room and is already an eternal optimist, just like her Daddy. Mr. Carter is a little shy guy. He will smile but usually turns away and it is more of a grin. He looks like he is always up to something. He has mastered "the lip" and he will stick that bottom lip out so far...it will break your heart. Their little laughs are so different and they think different things are funny. In the mornings, I have started to lay them next to each other on the bed to see how they interact. Elianna will try to eat any and all of Carter's body parts and Carter just lets her. I can't wait to see how their relationship grows. We are so incredibly blessed and they get more fun every day. We are still new parents, trying to balance being parents, spouses, and friends. There is little energy or time at the end of the day but we work with what we have.
I would like to promise that I will blog more but I don't know if I can follow through on that. I will keep trying because I love sharing with all of you since so many of you prayed for our little miracles.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
You just had to be there...
I realized that I never shared any pictures from our birth so here are a few to look at. The raw emotion in some of them still brings tears to my eyes. A few are a little messy and well, I wasn't looking my best but they are real.
I was a "little" tired at this point when Carter was born but it was a marathon and I still had a little girl to think about. Luckily, Carter paved the way for his sister and the next round was much easier.
Ben and I welcoming Mr. Carter into the world.
This picture is the essence of my Mother. She is comforting me, with Carter on my chest and we are both full of emotion. My Mom was there for the many, many tearful conversations on our journey to getting pregnant...this time they were tears of pure joy.
I love this picture of Elianna. She came quietly into the world just looking around. She is still my patient, calm baby.
Elianna kept putting her hands on my face when they laid her on my chest.
THIS was the moment I finally took a sigh of relief. When I had them both safely in my arms. The 4 of us all back together after 38 weeks of waiting. I felt so complete at this moment. I held two, living, breathing answers to prayers.
First Family Picture!
I imagine the things they would have said to each other in this moment. But whatever the conversation, I am sure it ended with, "I don't know what just happened but I am glad you are here with me"
Update on the Ulland Twins!
They are doing wonderful. I really am truly blessed with easy babies. They are both sleeping 6-7 hours a night which is an absolute miracle. I am still pumping for both of them and it is going better now that I am in a routine. Carter is still our outspoken baby who lets us know when it is time to eat and that he needs his diaper changed...immediately. Carter is 11lbs and 6oz and Elianna is 10lbs 11oz. Elianna is pretty calm and usually lets us feed her hungry brother first or take our time getting to her diaper. Ben and I are loving every busy moment as parents of twins. I am back to work full-time and with the incredible help of our family, the kids have only been to the YMCA daycare one time. We are so blessed and so thankful.Sunday, July 6, 2014
Somewhere between guilty and grateful
Every day is a battle between feeling guilty for one thing or another and the gratefulness that comes with being a parent. Sometimes I think this spectrum is much larger for those women who struggled to get pregnant. I remember reading Facebook posts from mothers complaining about a variety of things that come with pregnancy/parenting and my responses would be like this...
"My kids were up all night!" - I would be give up all my sleep to just have a baby
"I am so sick of being pregnant!" - I would give anything to become pregnant...anything
"Does someone want to take a few kids off of my hands? You can have them!" - Ok...I will take them.
You get the point. I swore I would never complain on Facebook about my pregnancy or my children, I don't care how bad it gets and trust me...I had some real content the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Just because I don't post anything on Facebook about how hard it is being a new mom of twins, doesn't mean I don't think it in my head. This is where the constant battle between feeling guilty and grateful comes into play.
As a mom, I feel like I could always be doing something better and with twins, that feeling is more than doubled. If I am holding one baby, then I am not holding the other. There are many times in the day when I am attending to the needs of one baby while the other one is crying. The whole issue of nursing is really for another post but I have basically given up on breastfeeding. I will pause for your reaction/judgement/sadness/understanding or whatever else. I just couldn't sit there and nurse one baby while the other one cried. We also had latch issues, sleepy babies and so on. I can juggle giving both of them bottles but nursing wasn't working for me. I would have to nurse each baby for 30 minutes, then give them any milk I had pumped and THEN top them off with formula. This would equal over 2 hours for one feeding and 4 dirty bottles. By the time I finished with the second baby, it was time for the first one to eat again. I feel guilty because I know some women would give anything to be able to nurse their babies and even though we had struggles, I was able to do it. On the other hand, I am grateful that I was even able to and I am even more grateful that my body does produce (almost) enough milk to feed my babies. As of now, I am almost exclusively pumping. I take it one day at a time. There is a lot of shame and pressure around breastfeeding and anyone who is doing it with one or two babies, you are amazing. If you aren't able to or choose not to, you are amazing too.
I started writing this post a few weeks ago and during that time I have found that between guilty and grateful is a TON of GRACE. The Lord knows how thankful I am for these children and he also knows how tired I really am. I feel floods of Grace every single day. I honestly, don't know how people are parents without Jesus in their life. Seeing a baby born should seal the deal right there but everyday I am only able to keep my head above water because of Jesus and my husband.
Let me talk about my amazing husband for just a minute. This man is super Daddy, let me tell you! Dads of twins are a rare breed and they are truely partners in parenting. Ben changes at least a dozen diapers a day without blinking an eye, does middle of the night feedings every night, gives most of the baths and supports a very emotional, unpredictable wife. Ben works split shifts so he comes home from work at 11:30am and then goes back around 2 every day. When walks in the door he never knows what he will find! Some days I am in tears with 2 crying babies and some days I have lunch on the table with a smile on my face. The latter is pretty rare but you get my drift. The minute he walks in the door, he drops his stuff and says, "What do you need?" I am usually hooked up to my pumping machine and a baby needs a bottle or changing and he dives right in. He then makes us both lunch, feeds and changes one or both babies and then heads back to work just to do the same thing when he gets home at 6:00. I could not ask for a better partner in this journey. I am impressed with him every day and I fall more in love with him every day.
I do believe in God's timing, even in moments where I felt completely forgotten about when the world seemed to be passing us by. Our marriage is so much stronger than it was even a year ago and having a baby, let alone 2, will put strain on any marriage but God was preparing us for this. The lessons He taught us in respect, love languages, financial provision, control, responsibility and trust...were all to prepare us for this time. It also helps that we have desperately wanted children for years before this. It helps when you are exhausted, haven't showered in 3 days, have multiple forms of bodily fluids on you, to know that this is an answer to prayers.
Every day gets a little better and we start to feel like we have this under control, for at least the moment. The babies slept for 6 hours last night...the SAME 6 hours! They went down at 8:30 and 9:00 and didn't get up till 3:00am. What a huge milestone! They both ate and then slept again till 6:30 and 7:00. I am letting Ben sleep in this morning since Carter is asleep in the swing and Elianna is talking to me in the Rock & Play. I have the best babies they are very content as long as they have a dry butt and a full belly.
Blogs to come about going back to work, weight loss/gain and new mom anxiety!
Follow me on instagram to see more pics of the babies! @misheldawn
I try to keep the pictures on facebook to a minimum out of respect but facebook is the primary way my grandparents see pictures of the babies.
"My kids were up all night!" - I would be give up all my sleep to just have a baby
"I am so sick of being pregnant!" - I would give anything to become pregnant...anything
"Does someone want to take a few kids off of my hands? You can have them!" - Ok...I will take them.
You get the point. I swore I would never complain on Facebook about my pregnancy or my children, I don't care how bad it gets and trust me...I had some real content the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Just because I don't post anything on Facebook about how hard it is being a new mom of twins, doesn't mean I don't think it in my head. This is where the constant battle between feeling guilty and grateful comes into play.
As a mom, I feel like I could always be doing something better and with twins, that feeling is more than doubled. If I am holding one baby, then I am not holding the other. There are many times in the day when I am attending to the needs of one baby while the other one is crying. The whole issue of nursing is really for another post but I have basically given up on breastfeeding. I will pause for your reaction/judgement/sadness/understanding or whatever else. I just couldn't sit there and nurse one baby while the other one cried. We also had latch issues, sleepy babies and so on. I can juggle giving both of them bottles but nursing wasn't working for me. I would have to nurse each baby for 30 minutes, then give them any milk I had pumped and THEN top them off with formula. This would equal over 2 hours for one feeding and 4 dirty bottles. By the time I finished with the second baby, it was time for the first one to eat again. I feel guilty because I know some women would give anything to be able to nurse their babies and even though we had struggles, I was able to do it. On the other hand, I am grateful that I was even able to and I am even more grateful that my body does produce (almost) enough milk to feed my babies. As of now, I am almost exclusively pumping. I take it one day at a time. There is a lot of shame and pressure around breastfeeding and anyone who is doing it with one or two babies, you are amazing. If you aren't able to or choose not to, you are amazing too.
I started writing this post a few weeks ago and during that time I have found that between guilty and grateful is a TON of GRACE. The Lord knows how thankful I am for these children and he also knows how tired I really am. I feel floods of Grace every single day. I honestly, don't know how people are parents without Jesus in their life. Seeing a baby born should seal the deal right there but everyday I am only able to keep my head above water because of Jesus and my husband.
Let me talk about my amazing husband for just a minute. This man is super Daddy, let me tell you! Dads of twins are a rare breed and they are truely partners in parenting. Ben changes at least a dozen diapers a day without blinking an eye, does middle of the night feedings every night, gives most of the baths and supports a very emotional, unpredictable wife. Ben works split shifts so he comes home from work at 11:30am and then goes back around 2 every day. When walks in the door he never knows what he will find! Some days I am in tears with 2 crying babies and some days I have lunch on the table with a smile on my face. The latter is pretty rare but you get my drift. The minute he walks in the door, he drops his stuff and says, "What do you need?" I am usually hooked up to my pumping machine and a baby needs a bottle or changing and he dives right in. He then makes us both lunch, feeds and changes one or both babies and then heads back to work just to do the same thing when he gets home at 6:00. I could not ask for a better partner in this journey. I am impressed with him every day and I fall more in love with him every day.
I do believe in God's timing, even in moments where I felt completely forgotten about when the world seemed to be passing us by. Our marriage is so much stronger than it was even a year ago and having a baby, let alone 2, will put strain on any marriage but God was preparing us for this. The lessons He taught us in respect, love languages, financial provision, control, responsibility and trust...were all to prepare us for this time. It also helps that we have desperately wanted children for years before this. It helps when you are exhausted, haven't showered in 3 days, have multiple forms of bodily fluids on you, to know that this is an answer to prayers.
Every day gets a little better and we start to feel like we have this under control, for at least the moment. The babies slept for 6 hours last night...the SAME 6 hours! They went down at 8:30 and 9:00 and didn't get up till 3:00am. What a huge milestone! They both ate and then slept again till 6:30 and 7:00. I am letting Ben sleep in this morning since Carter is asleep in the swing and Elianna is talking to me in the Rock & Play. I have the best babies they are very content as long as they have a dry butt and a full belly.
Blogs to come about going back to work, weight loss/gain and new mom anxiety!
Follow me on instagram to see more pics of the babies! @misheldawn
I try to keep the pictures on facebook to a minimum out of respect but facebook is the primary way my grandparents see pictures of the babies.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Grace, memories and 4 weeks old
I can't believe it has been 4 weeks since they were born. Sometimes it feels like months and other times it feels like yesterday. I can say that we are finally getting into a routine and yesterday was the first night that it felt normal instead of pure chaos. We even did baths for both babies and were in bed by 8:45.
There are some memories that I wanted to get recorded somewhere before I forget so here are just some quick memories...
-Ben sitting on the couch, holding a baby and he turns to me and says, " I am just melting"
-Carter's little sigh after he sneezes
-The night that both babies cried for 2 hours until we figured out what they needed. Carter squeezed my finger and gave me a little smile...his way of saying, "It's ok Mom, we are ok and we know you are doing your best"
-Ben and I in the store, Ben turns to me and says, "I just love them so much"
-Sound of my Mom reading books to the babies in their nursery
-My first time tandem nursing BOTH babies!
-Elianna always having her hand touching her face when she sleeps
-Remembering when I saw and felt pure Grace and Forgiveness between Ben and myself, evidence of God presence in our parenting and our marriage.
-Seeing Ben's Dad hold all 3 grandkids in his arms on his first Father's Day as a Grandpa
This crazy roller coaster we are living hasn't gotten any less exciting. I would say that within a few days, I have felt like a total failure and a great Mom within such a short time period. I am so thankful for God's Grace because I need it every moment. I am not sure how to express what I am feeling without having it taken the wrong way. I will just say that all the times God was teaching me about needing to be in control, being patient with myself and others, accepting grace, not holding onto shame or guilt....all of these things have made me a better parent. They have been vital for me to be a Mom of twins without losing my mind or creating distance between myself and Ben. It is SO easy to be mean to your spouse at 3am when you have been pooped on, feel exhausted and cannot get your baby to sleep. One of the best lines I learned from Lysa Terkeurst..."Share whispers with God before shouts with the world" Give God the opportunity to intervene before you speak. When I want to snap at Ben, I wait a few seconds and give the holy spirit the time to change my heart before I speak. It has made a HUGE difference for us. I need Ben...my partner in this. When you have twins, there is no "it's your turn" because there are two babies and it is always both of our turns.
Our next adventure is traveling to see my parents and grandparents this weekend. I am so excited for the babies to meet their Great Grandma Jo, Great Grandpa Ed and Great Grandma June. I will share more about our trip when we get back. Here are a few pictures for our photo shoot we did when the babies were 5 days old :o)
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There are some memories that I wanted to get recorded somewhere before I forget so here are just some quick memories...
-Ben sitting on the couch, holding a baby and he turns to me and says, " I am just melting"
-Carter's little sigh after he sneezes
-The night that both babies cried for 2 hours until we figured out what they needed. Carter squeezed my finger and gave me a little smile...his way of saying, "It's ok Mom, we are ok and we know you are doing your best"
-Ben and I in the store, Ben turns to me and says, "I just love them so much"
-Sound of my Mom reading books to the babies in their nursery
-My first time tandem nursing BOTH babies!
-Elianna always having her hand touching her face when she sleeps
-Remembering when I saw and felt pure Grace and Forgiveness between Ben and myself, evidence of God presence in our parenting and our marriage.
-Seeing Ben's Dad hold all 3 grandkids in his arms on his first Father's Day as a Grandpa
This crazy roller coaster we are living hasn't gotten any less exciting. I would say that within a few days, I have felt like a total failure and a great Mom within such a short time period. I am so thankful for God's Grace because I need it every moment. I am not sure how to express what I am feeling without having it taken the wrong way. I will just say that all the times God was teaching me about needing to be in control, being patient with myself and others, accepting grace, not holding onto shame or guilt....all of these things have made me a better parent. They have been vital for me to be a Mom of twins without losing my mind or creating distance between myself and Ben. It is SO easy to be mean to your spouse at 3am when you have been pooped on, feel exhausted and cannot get your baby to sleep. One of the best lines I learned from Lysa Terkeurst..."Share whispers with God before shouts with the world" Give God the opportunity to intervene before you speak. When I want to snap at Ben, I wait a few seconds and give the holy spirit the time to change my heart before I speak. It has made a HUGE difference for us. I need Ben...my partner in this. When you have twins, there is no "it's your turn" because there are two babies and it is always both of our turns.
Our next adventure is traveling to see my parents and grandparents this weekend. I am so excited for the babies to meet their Great Grandma Jo, Great Grandpa Ed and Great Grandma June. I will share more about our trip when we get back. Here are a few pictures for our photo shoot we did when the babies were 5 days old :o)
GO TWINS!
Miss Elianna
Carter and his lip
Carter wearing a cute hat!
This one makes me think of them in the womb!
Love this one!
Monday, June 9, 2014
The Best kind of overwhelmed
Well, I have thought of about 40 different blog topics over the past few weeks but I have about 1.5 minutes a day to actually write the thoughts down. Since my Mom is visiting for a few days, I hope to write a little more. These posts may get a little random but that is how life is now!
Baby Elianna
She is my mellow, sweet little girl who loves to be awake and look around. She likes to sleep with her hands touching her face. When it is time to eat, she is much more patient and usually lets me feed her hungry brother first. We have had some tummy trouble but they are doing ok. Elianna is also my star nurser. She was the first to be able to latch and she can nurse almost every time we try. At our last Dr. appointment last Friday, she weighed 7lbs 11oz which is 10 oz over her birth weight. She is a perfect little angel. Daddy calls her "his little princess."
Baby Carter
He is my vocal, strong willed little boy. He likes to make a lot of noise when he is awake and when he is sleeping. If he has a dirty diaper, he will let you know asap that he would like it changed. The same goes for eating because this hungry boy is growing fast! The best part about Carter is his facial expressions. Even when he is sleeping, his little face has so much character and he makes us laugh all the time. He hates getting new clothes put on and will let you know how much he hates it! He also lets us all know that it is meal time and that he would like to be first. He is catching on to the nursing a lot better. He is totally a Daddy's boy and sometimes Ben is the only person he wants to be with. His weight was 8lbs 5oz last week which is a full pound over his birth weight. Daddy calls him "little champ."
We are doing well but I will say the first week at home was the easiest in some ways. I wasn't really even trying to nurse and I was barely pumping enough to matter but now we are nursing, pumping and still having to supplement formula. I have never been a mom who was against formula or super determined to breast feed because I knew better. I knew that so much would depend on each baby, when they were born, my milk supply and more. Here are my honest thoughts and if you are a mom who every tried to breast feed, you will probably understand...it is really hard. I think about quitting many times a day when I think about how easy it would be to just buy formula. There are times when I have to let a baby cry the whole time I am nursing and then bottle feeding the other baby. We basically feed them in 3 different ways. I want what is best for my babies and I know breast milk is the best but it is hard. I am thankful that I even have the option to give my babies breast milk. I know women who couldn't provide what was best for their babies because their bodies would not cooperate. It is a gift to be able to nurse my babies and I try to see it that way every day. I could talk about nursing a lot more but I will save you all from that.
Ben and I are crazy in love with these two little miracles. Even at 3 am, after we have both been peed or projective pooped on...we still are so in love. Some of our funniest moments are in the middle of the night hearing our babies "toot" very loudly or catching the vomit as it flies out. Ben is an absolute rock star Daddy. He changes diapers non-stop, keeps me fed and hydrated and give overflowing love to his babies all the time. The sleep deprivation has been the toughest for Ben but he is starting to adjust. He is ON all the time and does it with a smile. I am so incredibly blessed to have such an amazing partner in parenting.
Many of you very sweet people have been checking in on me and seeing how I am doing emotionally. Moms of twins have a much higher risk of postpartum depression for some obvious reasons. I am doing really really well. I have such an incredible support system that I know I can call on anytime. So many of you provided us with meals over the past few weeks. I know it just seems like food but it has been an absolute blessing. Ben comes home from work at 6pm and we literally have maybe 45 minutes before babies are awake and need to start their feeding before bedtime. It has helped so much to have food in the fridge, ready to go. I also am trying to eat 3,000 calories a day (something I never thought would be a problem) but I have so little time to make food for myself. I have also learned what my physical limits are and how much sleep I need to function. If I can get a 30-45 minutes nap during the day, I can survive. I still have what is called the "danger zone" from 6-8pm each night, if I don't get a nap that day. This is usually when I spill breast milk and cry for a good 20 minutes. Ben has made my naps a priority when he is home during lunch and it makes a huge difference. I also think that anxiety is something that most mothers deal with and something I have had issues with in the past but I decided a long time ago to not let anxiety rule my life. Satan LOVES to use anxiety to make us doubt the promises of God. Well, I have seen too many promises of God come to life to let Satan get to me. I still pray, "God, keep my babies safe" many times a day but these babies are God's and I know he is looking out for them.
We made it to church yesterday and even on time!!! It was important for us to go see some of the people that have been praying for these babies for so long. We made it through the first 30 minutes of the service until it was food/diaper time. Ben and I stood there, listening to the worship songs, holding our babies and it was surreal. How many Sundays did I sit here and cry...begging the Lord to answer our prayers? We have been going to North Haven Church for 5 years and most of those years were times of trials. If felt so different to be standing in the same spot but now we have everything. Every prayer we prayed, has been answered. Ben's new career, my new job, our beautiful family and many other miracles. We are experiencing the Joy that comes in the morning, the immeasurably "more" that God had in store for us. The reality of everything is overwhelming. The love, grace and faithfulness is overwhelming. The best kind of overwhelming there is.
This song was preformed at church yesterday and I just thought it was perfect for us. It is called "Always" and chorus says, "My God will come though, Always"
Baby Elianna
She is my mellow, sweet little girl who loves to be awake and look around. She likes to sleep with her hands touching her face. When it is time to eat, she is much more patient and usually lets me feed her hungry brother first. We have had some tummy trouble but they are doing ok. Elianna is also my star nurser. She was the first to be able to latch and she can nurse almost every time we try. At our last Dr. appointment last Friday, she weighed 7lbs 11oz which is 10 oz over her birth weight. She is a perfect little angel. Daddy calls her "his little princess."
Baby Carter
He is my vocal, strong willed little boy. He likes to make a lot of noise when he is awake and when he is sleeping. If he has a dirty diaper, he will let you know asap that he would like it changed. The same goes for eating because this hungry boy is growing fast! The best part about Carter is his facial expressions. Even when he is sleeping, his little face has so much character and he makes us laugh all the time. He hates getting new clothes put on and will let you know how much he hates it! He also lets us all know that it is meal time and that he would like to be first. He is catching on to the nursing a lot better. He is totally a Daddy's boy and sometimes Ben is the only person he wants to be with. His weight was 8lbs 5oz last week which is a full pound over his birth weight. Daddy calls him "little champ."
We are doing well but I will say the first week at home was the easiest in some ways. I wasn't really even trying to nurse and I was barely pumping enough to matter but now we are nursing, pumping and still having to supplement formula. I have never been a mom who was against formula or super determined to breast feed because I knew better. I knew that so much would depend on each baby, when they were born, my milk supply and more. Here are my honest thoughts and if you are a mom who every tried to breast feed, you will probably understand...it is really hard. I think about quitting many times a day when I think about how easy it would be to just buy formula. There are times when I have to let a baby cry the whole time I am nursing and then bottle feeding the other baby. We basically feed them in 3 different ways. I want what is best for my babies and I know breast milk is the best but it is hard. I am thankful that I even have the option to give my babies breast milk. I know women who couldn't provide what was best for their babies because their bodies would not cooperate. It is a gift to be able to nurse my babies and I try to see it that way every day. I could talk about nursing a lot more but I will save you all from that.
Ben and I are crazy in love with these two little miracles. Even at 3 am, after we have both been peed or projective pooped on...we still are so in love. Some of our funniest moments are in the middle of the night hearing our babies "toot" very loudly or catching the vomit as it flies out. Ben is an absolute rock star Daddy. He changes diapers non-stop, keeps me fed and hydrated and give overflowing love to his babies all the time. The sleep deprivation has been the toughest for Ben but he is starting to adjust. He is ON all the time and does it with a smile. I am so incredibly blessed to have such an amazing partner in parenting.
Many of you very sweet people have been checking in on me and seeing how I am doing emotionally. Moms of twins have a much higher risk of postpartum depression for some obvious reasons. I am doing really really well. I have such an incredible support system that I know I can call on anytime. So many of you provided us with meals over the past few weeks. I know it just seems like food but it has been an absolute blessing. Ben comes home from work at 6pm and we literally have maybe 45 minutes before babies are awake and need to start their feeding before bedtime. It has helped so much to have food in the fridge, ready to go. I also am trying to eat 3,000 calories a day (something I never thought would be a problem) but I have so little time to make food for myself. I have also learned what my physical limits are and how much sleep I need to function. If I can get a 30-45 minutes nap during the day, I can survive. I still have what is called the "danger zone" from 6-8pm each night, if I don't get a nap that day. This is usually when I spill breast milk and cry for a good 20 minutes. Ben has made my naps a priority when he is home during lunch and it makes a huge difference. I also think that anxiety is something that most mothers deal with and something I have had issues with in the past but I decided a long time ago to not let anxiety rule my life. Satan LOVES to use anxiety to make us doubt the promises of God. Well, I have seen too many promises of God come to life to let Satan get to me. I still pray, "God, keep my babies safe" many times a day but these babies are God's and I know he is looking out for them.
We made it to church yesterday and even on time!!! It was important for us to go see some of the people that have been praying for these babies for so long. We made it through the first 30 minutes of the service until it was food/diaper time. Ben and I stood there, listening to the worship songs, holding our babies and it was surreal. How many Sundays did I sit here and cry...begging the Lord to answer our prayers? We have been going to North Haven Church for 5 years and most of those years were times of trials. If felt so different to be standing in the same spot but now we have everything. Every prayer we prayed, has been answered. Ben's new career, my new job, our beautiful family and many other miracles. We are experiencing the Joy that comes in the morning, the immeasurably "more" that God had in store for us. The reality of everything is overwhelming. The love, grace and faithfulness is overwhelming. The best kind of overwhelming there is.
This song was preformed at church yesterday and I just thought it was perfect for us. It is called "Always" and chorus says, "My God will come though, Always"
Saturday, May 31, 2014
The days to follow...
I had spent so much time thinking about when I would go into labor
and the actual labor itself, that I didn't think a lot about the days
following the twins' birth. I figured the nurses would guide me on what
to do and my motherly instinct would kick in. It was a rough couple of
days but important to share so that others can get a glimpse into my
first few days as a Mom.
My recovery went very well considering what some women go through. I needed help to do just about everything but was able to get around and be involved in taking care of the babies. The most awkward was when they had me get into a bath tub that night and I almost couldn't get myself out. I am a tall person anyway and between my super swollen legs, being incredibly weak and not have to get up off the floor in 5 months, it wasn't pretty. Comical now but at the time, I was about ready to just spend the night in there.
The first night after they were both is a total blur and I couldn't tell you what even happened that night. Tuesday was filled with visitors, attempts to nurse (notice I said "attempts") and lots of baby cuddles. By Tuesday night Ben and I were fried. It was midnight and the babies had just fallen asleep, so we turned off the lights to finally get some rest. Then a few nurses came into our room, woke up the babies, weighted them, talked to them and talked to us. I know they were just doing their jobs but this was the beginning of a very difficult 24 hours. By the time the babies calmed down and we had relaxed, it was time for another feeding. I basically slept 2-3 hours spread out over that whole night. I had the typical anxiety about the babies staying alive all night. Every little sound they made woke me up and I would study their lips for coloring and try to see their little chests move up and down. Finally, I just had to repeat this prayer over and over and over again to get any sleep. Lord, please keep my babies safe while I sleep. I still pray this every night because I still think I am dreaming. I don't know how people are parents without God in their lives, it must be very over whleming.
The next morning we met with the Lactation Consultant. Turns out that my 45 minute "nursing sessions" were actually not giving my babies anything. I was basically exhausting them and then when I would give them al bottle, they would only drink a little. In my mind, that meant that they were getting enough from me but they were actually so tired that they couldn't even drink from the bottle. Bless the consultants heart because she had to be really honest with me about what I was doing wrong, realistic expectations and what breastfeeding twins really would take. She is a mom of twins, born at 31 weeks, so I trusted what she had to say but it doesn't mean it was easy to hear. Between this and the sleep deprivation, I was a total mess. I wanted to go home SO bad on Wednesday and they said I wasn't in a state of mind to understand my discharge papers, so the main focus was getting me some sleep. The consultant wanted me to take a 5 hour nap before going home which I thought was a little ridiculous. They settled for a 1 hour nap (that felt like 5 hours) and a serious change in my outlook on feeding. They brought in a breast pump and I actually got something to feed my babies. It made a huge difference because I had felt like I didn't do that very well in the past 24 hours. I pulled myself together and they let us go home. My list of what I needed to do to get my milk to come in was pretty daunting, including pumping every 2 hours, attempting nursing with each baby, feeding them what I pump and supplementing formula for a feeding every 1-3 hours. I am not someone who is against formula because I know it will take time for my body to produce enough for two babies but it was tough for me to see uh...my "equipment" not working like I thought it would. Trying to be subtle here :) My milk did finally come in on day 5 which they expected with all the swelling I had. We celebrated that day, big time! The work is not over here but that is for another post.
I do have to tell you about our first 20 minutes home with the babies, mostly because I think it is hilarious. My mom wanted to give us some privacy as we brought the babies home. Ben and I cried the whole way home, it felt real now. My Aunt Sarah read me this beautiful poem about leaving the hospital. It talked about how you just take these little, fragile babies and you walk right out the door with them. No one checking to make sure you are ready or if you have a parenting license. It was the moment when we knew they were ours to keep. We were excited to introduce them to our Fur Baby Drewby. We walked into the house and Drew literally sniffed both car seats and that was it. He could care less which is a good thing I guess. We have come home smelling like that hospital a dozen times so maybe he was familiar with it.
I was a nervous mom to get them out of the car seats because they didn't look comfortable at all. Within a few minutes, both babies were crying. I grabbed one to try to nurse but I had to go to the bathroom so bad. I couldn't find my squirt bottle since it was packed in one of the bags. For those of you who don't know, your squirt bottle is your best friend after a vaginal birth and you NEED it to use the bathroom. I settled for a water bottle and left Ben with two crying babies in the living room. After taking care of business, I grabbed what I assumed was the most hungry baby to try and nurse. I couldn't get the "goods" out of the dress I wore home from the hospital and I was getting really flustered. Finally, Ben just told me to take off my dress, so I threw most of my clothes on the floor. I am attempting to nurse one baby while Ben is trying to change the diaper of the other. He is at the changing table in the living room as I walk him through where the wipes and diapers are. Keep in mind that we stocked this thing 7 weeks ago, so my memory is foggy and I am on 2 hours of sleep. I am telling Ben to just "pull out a wipe from that container" over and over again, only to find out that the pack of wipes was unopened inside of it. Poor guy...but we survived. It was a memorable first moments home. After we took a few breathes and started laughing at the chaos, I sent my mom this text, "We are home. The first 20 minutes were chaos. You can come back any time." :)
If felt so good to be home and put babies in swings, bassinets and a cradle that had been empty for far too long. Overall, they have been little angels. Now that we have our feeding under control (still nursing, pumping and supplementing) the babies sleep 3 hours between feedings and only cry when they need food or a diaper change. We are very blessed.
I will write more as I can...
My recovery went very well considering what some women go through. I needed help to do just about everything but was able to get around and be involved in taking care of the babies. The most awkward was when they had me get into a bath tub that night and I almost couldn't get myself out. I am a tall person anyway and between my super swollen legs, being incredibly weak and not have to get up off the floor in 5 months, it wasn't pretty. Comical now but at the time, I was about ready to just spend the night in there.
The first night after they were both is a total blur and I couldn't tell you what even happened that night. Tuesday was filled with visitors, attempts to nurse (notice I said "attempts") and lots of baby cuddles. By Tuesday night Ben and I were fried. It was midnight and the babies had just fallen asleep, so we turned off the lights to finally get some rest. Then a few nurses came into our room, woke up the babies, weighted them, talked to them and talked to us. I know they were just doing their jobs but this was the beginning of a very difficult 24 hours. By the time the babies calmed down and we had relaxed, it was time for another feeding. I basically slept 2-3 hours spread out over that whole night. I had the typical anxiety about the babies staying alive all night. Every little sound they made woke me up and I would study their lips for coloring and try to see their little chests move up and down. Finally, I just had to repeat this prayer over and over and over again to get any sleep. Lord, please keep my babies safe while I sleep. I still pray this every night because I still think I am dreaming. I don't know how people are parents without God in their lives, it must be very over whleming.
The next morning we met with the Lactation Consultant. Turns out that my 45 minute "nursing sessions" were actually not giving my babies anything. I was basically exhausting them and then when I would give them al bottle, they would only drink a little. In my mind, that meant that they were getting enough from me but they were actually so tired that they couldn't even drink from the bottle. Bless the consultants heart because she had to be really honest with me about what I was doing wrong, realistic expectations and what breastfeeding twins really would take. She is a mom of twins, born at 31 weeks, so I trusted what she had to say but it doesn't mean it was easy to hear. Between this and the sleep deprivation, I was a total mess. I wanted to go home SO bad on Wednesday and they said I wasn't in a state of mind to understand my discharge papers, so the main focus was getting me some sleep. The consultant wanted me to take a 5 hour nap before going home which I thought was a little ridiculous. They settled for a 1 hour nap (that felt like 5 hours) and a serious change in my outlook on feeding. They brought in a breast pump and I actually got something to feed my babies. It made a huge difference because I had felt like I didn't do that very well in the past 24 hours. I pulled myself together and they let us go home. My list of what I needed to do to get my milk to come in was pretty daunting, including pumping every 2 hours, attempting nursing with each baby, feeding them what I pump and supplementing formula for a feeding every 1-3 hours. I am not someone who is against formula because I know it will take time for my body to produce enough for two babies but it was tough for me to see uh...my "equipment" not working like I thought it would. Trying to be subtle here :) My milk did finally come in on day 5 which they expected with all the swelling I had. We celebrated that day, big time! The work is not over here but that is for another post.
I do have to tell you about our first 20 minutes home with the babies, mostly because I think it is hilarious. My mom wanted to give us some privacy as we brought the babies home. Ben and I cried the whole way home, it felt real now. My Aunt Sarah read me this beautiful poem about leaving the hospital. It talked about how you just take these little, fragile babies and you walk right out the door with them. No one checking to make sure you are ready or if you have a parenting license. It was the moment when we knew they were ours to keep. We were excited to introduce them to our Fur Baby Drewby. We walked into the house and Drew literally sniffed both car seats and that was it. He could care less which is a good thing I guess. We have come home smelling like that hospital a dozen times so maybe he was familiar with it.
I was a nervous mom to get them out of the car seats because they didn't look comfortable at all. Within a few minutes, both babies were crying. I grabbed one to try to nurse but I had to go to the bathroom so bad. I couldn't find my squirt bottle since it was packed in one of the bags. For those of you who don't know, your squirt bottle is your best friend after a vaginal birth and you NEED it to use the bathroom. I settled for a water bottle and left Ben with two crying babies in the living room. After taking care of business, I grabbed what I assumed was the most hungry baby to try and nurse. I couldn't get the "goods" out of the dress I wore home from the hospital and I was getting really flustered. Finally, Ben just told me to take off my dress, so I threw most of my clothes on the floor. I am attempting to nurse one baby while Ben is trying to change the diaper of the other. He is at the changing table in the living room as I walk him through where the wipes and diapers are. Keep in mind that we stocked this thing 7 weeks ago, so my memory is foggy and I am on 2 hours of sleep. I am telling Ben to just "pull out a wipe from that container" over and over again, only to find out that the pack of wipes was unopened inside of it. Poor guy...but we survived. It was a memorable first moments home. After we took a few breathes and started laughing at the chaos, I sent my mom this text, "We are home. The first 20 minutes were chaos. You can come back any time." :)
If felt so good to be home and put babies in swings, bassinets and a cradle that had been empty for far too long. Overall, they have been little angels. Now that we have our feeding under control (still nursing, pumping and supplementing) the babies sleep 3 hours between feedings and only cry when they need food or a diaper change. We are very blessed.
I will write more as I can...
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Words for wordless moments
I have been trying to write this post for the last 5 days but as you can imagine we are busy with our beautiful babies, Carter and Elianna. It is hard to know where to event start but I will share with you our birth story. Warning: I didn't have time to really proof read all of this but I knew you have been waiting to hear about the story!
We were scheduled to be induced on Monday, May 19th at 38 weeks and 1 day. This is the earliest they will induce someone with twins and we were anxiously awaiting the date on the calendar. It is still amazing to me how we spent 5 weeks doing everything we could to stop labor and then the last 2 weeks trying anything to restart it! I know that my time spent on bed rest helped keep our babies inside longer. The memories of pain, discomfort, and irritability are now a distant memory.
Monday morning we were set to come into the hospital at 6:00am but when we called ahead we were bumped to 7:30am but could still go to St. John's. This was one of our fears, that St. John's would be too full to take us but they had a spot for me and I could wait another 1.5 hours. Ben and I went out to breakfast at Perkins to enjoy our last meal as a family for two. We talked about our journey to get to this point and how excited we were to finally meet our children.
Arrived at the hospital at 7:25am (we were a little eager) and when we arrived it was like everything nurse knew us and our twins. They were all so excited that we had made it to 38 weeks. We were in room 15 at St. John's and it should have felt more real at that point but remember, we had been in several rooms there, for several reasons and it never resulted in babies in our arms. They started me on Pitocin and the contractions started coming a little stronger but it took hours to get anywhere exciting. We were joined at the hospital with my Mom and sister-in-law Magen with the rest of the family on standby. Somewhere around 2:00, the pain was taking a turn and I requested the epidural, knowing that this could take an hour to actually happen. At this point, I laughed at all the times I "thought I was in labor" because I was way off. The epidural process was pretty tough. I had back labor so badly at that point that the doctor was having a hard time testing the epidural. He really had to do his job in between my contractions, which were only 2-3 minutes. Once the epidural was in, things calmed down a lot. They had me lay on my side with the Peanut Ball...literally a giant ball the size of a peanut they put between your legs. This was to help Baby Boy get into a better position with the right part of this head coming out first.
At this point, Mom heads out into the hall to call Dad to let him know, "It will still be a while and we would keep him posted" but that changed quickly. They were having trouble tracking Baby Boy with external monitors so they were going to put something on the tip of his head. When the nurse went to do that, she looked surprised but told me I was "complete." GO TIME!!! The next 45 minutes went by super fast as we called my doctor, they prepped the Operating Room and I did some pushing. All twins are born in the operating room, incase they would need to come out quickly by c-section. My Mom, Ben and Magen got dressed in their gear and off we went to meet our babies.
I started pushing and it took about 2 hours for Baby Boy to arrive. Some things about labor were what I expected but others were a surprise. For example, an epidural can only take away pain but I was still feeling pressure. INTENSE pressure that can't be taken away unless you are completely numb which has issues of its own. This birth was a marathon to me...keep in mind that I had to delivery 2 babies so when the head of baby 1 is "almost out"...I am still only 40% done. I had to think long term about my Baby Girl still waiting to arrive. My team of nurses, my doctor and family support was incredible. They said that I was amazing but to be honest, I feel like I just did what I had to do. I had peace, strength, endurance and focus that only God can provide. We cracked jokes during labor, which is something I would totally do.
When Carter entered the world, the room stood still. Out came this beautiful, pink skinned, baby boy with dark curly hard just like his daddy. I was in awe but as a Momma of two...my first thought was one down and one to go. I would be able to fully relax and enjoy the experience until I knew both of my babies were safe. They put Carter right on my chest and with his little eyes, he looked right into my eyes and shifted his stare between myself and Ben. He was so alert and aware of the two of us. He came out looking completely clean, unlike what I was expected. He looked so incredibly healthy and I was in love.
Time for round two...at this point everything looked good and my doctor assured me that at that point, there were no signs that we were need to do a c-section for Baby Girl. I did ask her for more pain meds which I am sure most women delivering twins would do. I begged, offered suggestions that I have no training to do but I was pretty desperate to get more relief before I pushed for another unknown amount of time. She did her best to calm me down and compromise. We were just waiting to give Baby girl a little time to get into position. That time in between was full of Ben holding his Baby Boy, the both of us just staring at his face and I was trying to get my strength together for another birth. It didn't take long for me to feel like it was time to push and while everyone was busy around me, Baby Girl was VERY ready to come out and fast. Now, was the final stage for me and this is where I was ready to use everything I had left to get her out quickly. My fear was that she would get stuck and c-section for me. It was almost too quick because I was pushing really hard (I had this down pretty good by now) and so my oxygen levels would drop and so would Baby Girl's. I worked just as hard to push as I worked to calm myself down in-between pushes. It was a very odd emotional time because my son was in the world, being held 5 feet from me but I had to focus on his sister. I would look over at him with every push as motivation. After only 20 minutes of serious pushing, Elianna entered the world. They laid her on my chest, she didn't make a sound but looked me in the eyes. I feel like babies can see into your sole and that was our moment. Since she wasn't crying, they took her to get looked at but she just had some flem in her throat. Her water broke right before she came out and she may have swallowed some.
Finally, my two babies were in the world but as most of you know, that isn't the end. It was "repair" time and I was convinced whatever epidural I had, was gone. I won't go into details here and this is not intended to scare anyone but it was bad. This is the pain that I will remember for the rest of my life. At the very end, I had to ask someone to take the babies from me because I was in so much pain. I even asked for them to be taken out of the room so they would here their mom in this much pain. It didn't last long as all but it is part of my story. My recovery has been AMAZING and I am so glad I went with a vaginal birth. God knew this was the best route for me and I am so glad I made the choice.
The moment we left the OR, they put both babies in my arms and Ben was at my side. THIS was the moment I was waiting for. I felt so whole, complete, peaceful and a hundred other things. This was the moment that Satan had tried, repeatedly, to convince me...would never come. All the things about the birth of my children that I wanted and even things I didn't know I wanted, had happened. Just another example of my Jesus and how he will give me things I never even know I wanted.
"To Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could hope or imagine" The scripture of this pregnancy.
We are home and doing very well. I want to share more with you about Elianna and Carter but I here them both getting ready to wake up. I also have BEAUTIFUL pictures to share that were taken by my sister Magen, so I will try to get those up soon.
I can't take credit for how amazing these children are. So many of you have been praying for them and look at what prayer can do? Obviously, I am bias but I think these are the most beautiful, perfect babies I have ever seen.
We would love your continued prayers and any other blessings you would send our way. Helping us out with meals right now is the absolute best way to bless us. Ben goes back to work on Tuesday and I am starting my role and super mom. Please contact us if you would like to bring a meal or have one delivered. You can also sign up to bring us a meal at this link: https://www.foodtidings.com/Schedule/View/56b9e32d-4d9e-4e2a-a0bf-3cba7ff3b744
Here are just a few pics from the photo shoot we had this week with the photographer from "Pictures to Pretties"
We were scheduled to be induced on Monday, May 19th at 38 weeks and 1 day. This is the earliest they will induce someone with twins and we were anxiously awaiting the date on the calendar. It is still amazing to me how we spent 5 weeks doing everything we could to stop labor and then the last 2 weeks trying anything to restart it! I know that my time spent on bed rest helped keep our babies inside longer. The memories of pain, discomfort, and irritability are now a distant memory.
Monday morning we were set to come into the hospital at 6:00am but when we called ahead we were bumped to 7:30am but could still go to St. John's. This was one of our fears, that St. John's would be too full to take us but they had a spot for me and I could wait another 1.5 hours. Ben and I went out to breakfast at Perkins to enjoy our last meal as a family for two. We talked about our journey to get to this point and how excited we were to finally meet our children.
Arrived at the hospital at 7:25am (we were a little eager) and when we arrived it was like everything nurse knew us and our twins. They were all so excited that we had made it to 38 weeks. We were in room 15 at St. John's and it should have felt more real at that point but remember, we had been in several rooms there, for several reasons and it never resulted in babies in our arms. They started me on Pitocin and the contractions started coming a little stronger but it took hours to get anywhere exciting. We were joined at the hospital with my Mom and sister-in-law Magen with the rest of the family on standby. Somewhere around 2:00, the pain was taking a turn and I requested the epidural, knowing that this could take an hour to actually happen. At this point, I laughed at all the times I "thought I was in labor" because I was way off. The epidural process was pretty tough. I had back labor so badly at that point that the doctor was having a hard time testing the epidural. He really had to do his job in between my contractions, which were only 2-3 minutes. Once the epidural was in, things calmed down a lot. They had me lay on my side with the Peanut Ball...literally a giant ball the size of a peanut they put between your legs. This was to help Baby Boy get into a better position with the right part of this head coming out first.
At this point, Mom heads out into the hall to call Dad to let him know, "It will still be a while and we would keep him posted" but that changed quickly. They were having trouble tracking Baby Boy with external monitors so they were going to put something on the tip of his head. When the nurse went to do that, she looked surprised but told me I was "complete." GO TIME!!! The next 45 minutes went by super fast as we called my doctor, they prepped the Operating Room and I did some pushing. All twins are born in the operating room, incase they would need to come out quickly by c-section. My Mom, Ben and Magen got dressed in their gear and off we went to meet our babies.
I started pushing and it took about 2 hours for Baby Boy to arrive. Some things about labor were what I expected but others were a surprise. For example, an epidural can only take away pain but I was still feeling pressure. INTENSE pressure that can't be taken away unless you are completely numb which has issues of its own. This birth was a marathon to me...keep in mind that I had to delivery 2 babies so when the head of baby 1 is "almost out"...I am still only 40% done. I had to think long term about my Baby Girl still waiting to arrive. My team of nurses, my doctor and family support was incredible. They said that I was amazing but to be honest, I feel like I just did what I had to do. I had peace, strength, endurance and focus that only God can provide. We cracked jokes during labor, which is something I would totally do.
When Carter entered the world, the room stood still. Out came this beautiful, pink skinned, baby boy with dark curly hard just like his daddy. I was in awe but as a Momma of two...my first thought was one down and one to go. I would be able to fully relax and enjoy the experience until I knew both of my babies were safe. They put Carter right on my chest and with his little eyes, he looked right into my eyes and shifted his stare between myself and Ben. He was so alert and aware of the two of us. He came out looking completely clean, unlike what I was expected. He looked so incredibly healthy and I was in love.
Time for round two...at this point everything looked good and my doctor assured me that at that point, there were no signs that we were need to do a c-section for Baby Girl. I did ask her for more pain meds which I am sure most women delivering twins would do. I begged, offered suggestions that I have no training to do but I was pretty desperate to get more relief before I pushed for another unknown amount of time. She did her best to calm me down and compromise. We were just waiting to give Baby girl a little time to get into position. That time in between was full of Ben holding his Baby Boy, the both of us just staring at his face and I was trying to get my strength together for another birth. It didn't take long for me to feel like it was time to push and while everyone was busy around me, Baby Girl was VERY ready to come out and fast. Now, was the final stage for me and this is where I was ready to use everything I had left to get her out quickly. My fear was that she would get stuck and c-section for me. It was almost too quick because I was pushing really hard (I had this down pretty good by now) and so my oxygen levels would drop and so would Baby Girl's. I worked just as hard to push as I worked to calm myself down in-between pushes. It was a very odd emotional time because my son was in the world, being held 5 feet from me but I had to focus on his sister. I would look over at him with every push as motivation. After only 20 minutes of serious pushing, Elianna entered the world. They laid her on my chest, she didn't make a sound but looked me in the eyes. I feel like babies can see into your sole and that was our moment. Since she wasn't crying, they took her to get looked at but she just had some flem in her throat. Her water broke right before she came out and she may have swallowed some.
Finally, my two babies were in the world but as most of you know, that isn't the end. It was "repair" time and I was convinced whatever epidural I had, was gone. I won't go into details here and this is not intended to scare anyone but it was bad. This is the pain that I will remember for the rest of my life. At the very end, I had to ask someone to take the babies from me because I was in so much pain. I even asked for them to be taken out of the room so they would here their mom in this much pain. It didn't last long as all but it is part of my story. My recovery has been AMAZING and I am so glad I went with a vaginal birth. God knew this was the best route for me and I am so glad I made the choice.
The moment we left the OR, they put both babies in my arms and Ben was at my side. THIS was the moment I was waiting for. I felt so whole, complete, peaceful and a hundred other things. This was the moment that Satan had tried, repeatedly, to convince me...would never come. All the things about the birth of my children that I wanted and even things I didn't know I wanted, had happened. Just another example of my Jesus and how he will give me things I never even know I wanted.
"To Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could hope or imagine" The scripture of this pregnancy.
We are home and doing very well. I want to share more with you about Elianna and Carter but I here them both getting ready to wake up. I also have BEAUTIFUL pictures to share that were taken by my sister Magen, so I will try to get those up soon.
I can't take credit for how amazing these children are. So many of you have been praying for them and look at what prayer can do? Obviously, I am bias but I think these are the most beautiful, perfect babies I have ever seen.
We would love your continued prayers and any other blessings you would send our way. Helping us out with meals right now is the absolute best way to bless us. Ben goes back to work on Tuesday and I am starting my role and super mom. Please contact us if you would like to bring a meal or have one delivered. You can also sign up to bring us a meal at this link: https://www.foodtidings.com/Schedule/View/56b9e32d-4d9e-4e2a-a0bf-3cba7ff3b744
Here are just a few pics from the photo shoot we had this week with the photographer from "Pictures to Pretties"
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