I have been waiting to write this blog for a long time but as we all know, my time is very limited. First, I have a few confessions...
It has taken 2 years of being a MoM to twins, for me to feel like we kinda have this thing under control. When they say that you become a bit lost or lose yourself...it is true. Everyone needs so much from you that there is barely anything left at the end of the day. Even the thought of "me time" was too much to consider.
I have made a commitment to get my health back. I gained 100 pounds during my pregnancy...100 pounds. I lost 50 pounds within a few days after their birth but the other 50 held on for dear life while I exclusively pumped for 8 months. Sorry ladies, not all women lose weight when they breastfeed. Over the past year, I have slowly lost 20 pounds but have stalled. I believe in waiting till you are ready to make a change and that time is now. I have signed up with Beach Body and Shakeology after doing much research. I know I have a long journey ahead but I have lost the weight before and I can do it again.
Finally, I thought that my relationship with God would be different as a parent. I thought it would be closer and more in depth but it hasn't. My prayers mostly consist of..."Give me patience" "Please make him/her/them go to sleep" "Help me get through this day" "Thank you for these children" but that was about it.
I did have a moment of clarity and love that I wanted to share. In one of the many moments of being overwhelmed, I heard God. Now, this can be hard to explain if you have never had this happen. I don't hear God audibly. The voice of the Lord is a voice inside your head that is not your own voice. It says things to you that you would never say to yourself and it doesn't come from your brain but almost from your heart. Ok...hard to explain...a little "out there" but it is the best way I can explain.
I am sitting at the table with both kids crying. Both of them want to be held at the same time and want their mommy all for themselves. They are hungry but won't eat. When I am in those moments I will hold each of their hands and kiss their hands over and over again. The tears are streaming down my face as I am feeling like I am clearly "not enough" in this moment.
Then I hear Him... "I see you. I see you kissing your babies' hands when you feel like you are falling apart. You are doing good. I see you."
I broke down. My Lord...the one who answered all of my prayers...above and beyond...the one who I had put on a shelf during this busy season of life, was right there in that moment. He was in every moment. He understood the struggle of my heart. He knew what I needed to hear.
So if you are reading this today...know that He Sees You. He loves you. You are doing good.
