Learning to be Still...26 Weeks Update

After last week's excitement...I am happy to report that nothing new has happened. I feel so much better after seeing my OB. Yes, I cried when I first saw her (usually a response only applicable to my mother) and she hugged me for longer than I expected. She assured me that this was all pretty normal and that we don't start to worry until they don't send me home from the hospital. I asked about 25 more questions during our time together. She brought in a specialist to talk to me about some "digestive issues"...ladies who have been pregnant know what I am talking about here. When you have twins...it is TWICE as bad! We got a new plan to deal with that and made a new goal of getting to 28 weeks. Right now, 38 weeks feels like an eternity away but 28 weeks is doable. Once we hit that, our next goal is 30 weeks and so on. Every day is a victory right now. My Father-in-Law/anxious first-time grandparent/OBGYN gave me some great encouragement this week. He said, "Every day they stay inside of you at this point, is a few days they won't have to be in the NICU." That made me feel like each day was a big deal.

I feel like my body has changed a lot in the past week. This crazy, abnormal energy I was still having up until 25 weeks, is now gone. Part of that may be that I am getting bigger or that the babies are growing now at a much faster rate. I am measuring at 38 weeks which means that I look full-term for one baby. My uterus doesn't know I have 2 smaller babies instead of one bigger baby. We (my uterus and I) are carrying about 4 pounds of baby, 2 placentas and 2 amniotic sacs. The babies will double in size from last week to next week. They are growing really fast! Their kicks get stronger every day.

I am learning to be still and rest as much as possible. When all these crazy symptoms started, my doctor told me to take it easy. This was the first time she had said that to me and not something I have ever really done in my life. I like to be busy, on the go, getting stuff done! My Jesus Calling devotional was very relevant that day. If you read Jesus Calling...it usually is exactly what you need to hear. It is written as if Jesus were speaking to me. Here is the devotional...

"Thank me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of my greatest works in My kingdom have been done from sick beds and prison cells. Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitation can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me.

Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms. My strength and power show themselves most effective in weakness."

Most of this journey is trusting that God is caring for these babies. I can control what I eat and how much I rest but everything else is out of my control. For the next 10-12 weeks, my job is to be still and trust in God. There isn't anything I can "do" but draw close to Him and rest in His truths. My emotions are far from dependable...but His truths never fade.

Some other updates from this week...
Cribs have arrived...getting their room ready! See picture below!
More conversations with the babies...sometimes they will respond to us pushing on my belly.
The new "digestive issue" plan has worked...praise God! Feeling SO much better!
We are 99% sure of their names...sorry, we aren't telling anyone until they arrive!
Took a tour of St. John's Hospital. Our plan is to delivery there but we need to make it to 28 weeks!
Multiples Pre-natal class was postposted (snow) to this Thursday.
New favorite food: PB&J on english muffins with a big glass of milk!
Baby girl has shifted her position and is no longer using my bladder as a trampoline! :)

26 Weeks 0 days

 Babies' Room!

The walls are a light gray.

Wait...what was that!?

The sigh of relief after we hit 24 weeks, didn't last very long. We had an unplanned tour of Labor & Delivery at United Hospital on Sunday night. I like to start stories like this with letting you know that as of right now, babies and I are doing ok.

Friday night, just sitting on the couch, my stomach felt "funny." That is not the best medical definition but it felt different and when I put my hand on it, it felt hard. I thought, "Wait, what was that!?" It didn't happen again, so I just dismissed it. Fast forward to Sunday (early) morning at about 3:00am. I woke up to that same thing happening. I read some info online about braxton hicks contractions but thought I should keep track of how often they happen and for how long. I had 3 in about 1.5 hours but then it stopped. I decided to call my OB office later and go from there. Luckily, my OB was the Dr. on call and I felt so much better talking to her about this. She told me what else to watch for that would make me call back. I relaxed all day, canceled plans and laid down to take a nap around 4:30. I felt something around 5 and then a few more soon after with the added symptoms of back pain and cramping. My OB was still on call and said that everything is probably fine but that I should go in to be monitored for a little while. We were on our way to United Hospital which is not our primary hospital but they have a higher level NICU. If for some reason we were to deliver the twins that night, United was the place to be at.

Ben and I tried to calmly make our way to United. Our nurse was wonderful and I kept pretty calm. I knew that there was medicine to stop labor from continuing if we were in fact in pre-term labor. They did a urine test first which took an hour to get the results back. During that time they just monitored the babies and any cramping/contractions that I was having. They were still happening pretty regularly but babies were strong and kicking. Thankfully, Downton Abbey was on TV during this long hour wait. Urine came back normal. Next step was to run another test. This is literally what the nurse tells me, "If this test is positive, it means that you may have your babies within the next 2 week." I totally fell apart. I don't really remember what I said but I kept repeating...it is too early, it is too early. After my meltdown started, she then informs me that she needs to give me some medicine to relax my uterine muscles but now my blood pressure is too high. UH..YEAH IT IS! You just told me that my babies might be born before 27 weeks! I told her to give me 20 minutes to freak out, cry and call my mom. I will be more calm after that. I called my mom...poor woman had to listen to her daughter in the most frantic state ever. I could barely talk...at one point she asked if she should talk to Ben instead. I somehow pulled myself together...my amazing husband was still holding it together for both of us at this point. They go to take the sample for the test and find that my cervix is still closed so there is no need to even get the test. WHAT!? All that panic for nothing but I was beyond relieved. Blood pressure went down and I got some meds to relax the muscles. The cramping stopped and we were sent home emotionally exhausted. I proudly said with a smile on my face, to the staff as we left, "I hope I never see any of you again." (Since we are not planning to deliver there) I would be eating my words 12 hours later...

Fast forward to 10:00am the next day. I won't do into these details but I felt like I was leaking fluid, amniotic fluid to be exact. This freaked me out way more than the contractions. I have read too many sad stories that started with this happening. I called my OB office again and the nurse didn't have the Dr. call me back. She told me to go back to United and get checked out. I was still so fragile from the night before and I wasn't aware of any solutions for this issue. Ben was going to be home in a few minutes and we quietly drove to the hospital. I cried and he kept assuring me that we were just getting informed. Before we left I begged...begged God...to give us a little more time. Delivering them now would mean months in the NICU, daily challenges to eat/breath and possibly permanent issues for them to live with. I trust God's plan...but even the most faithful people will get on their knees and beg.

We get to United and luckily none of the same staff were still there. Remember, I told them I never wanted to see them again! We got hooked up to monitors and our nurse was not as nice as the one we had the night before but she was just fine. No contractions and babies were nice and strong.They did a test to see if there was actual amniotic fluid leaking and the results only took 10 minutes...negative. This was good news but now being in a hospital bed twice in 12 hours, I was having trouble feeling relieved. My OB knows me and ordered an ultrasound just to check the fluid around each baby as well as a test for their movement. The ultrasound tech didn't let me see the screen till the very end...I really hate that. They also can't tell you anything..the doctor/nurse have to deliver any news. The results were great...babies scored the highest they could and fluid levels are more than enough. We head home again just as exhausted and starving!!! We both didn't have lunch since we left at noon and it was now 4:30. The nurse joked about going to Casetta's...we went and it was glorious.

I have a follow-up appointment with my OB tomorrow. I am sure she will tell me that this can be normal for twin pregnancies and that they are just more cautious. I trust her completely but I have to say that we still have a long ways to go. We really need at least 10 more weeks and I wonder if the next 10 weeks will be filled with many ER visits, late night worrying, begging prayers to God and hysterical phone calls to my mother. The anxiety is much higher...higher than the first 12 weeks to be honest. I was prepared for the worst in the beginning but I didn't prepare myself for this. Every cramp, every back ache, every muscle strain...I just feel on edge. I expect to feel better after seeing my Dr. tomorrow.

We could use prayers of peace and assurance. It will all be worth it. I know God is in control. He knows every minute of their lives including the exact moment they will enter this world. Until then, I will value every little kick and movement.

Exciting(good) things happening lately:
Babies are about 1lb9oz each! With almost 4lbs of baby in my belly...I look like 33 weeks with 1!
I went to 2 different Moms of Multiples groups and loved meeting these knowledgeable Moms! 
Thursday we start our Pre-Natal class just for multiples and we tour St. John's on Saturday which is where we hope to deliver!
My first baby shower is on March 1st thrown by my amazing small group ladies and then I get to see my family for a second baby shower on the 8th in Cable!

I realized today that I have a nice place to put bowls while eating :O)

These pictures were taken 72 hours apart...I think I look bigger!! This was also my last day to wear my first and favorite maternity top. It will be too small tomorrow! 

25 weeks 0 days

 25 Weeks 2 Days

 

I don't have an answer for that...

24 weeks!!! Viability!!! This is a big deal. Not that I want our babies to arrive any time soon but if for some reason they do, they would have a chance to survive. I thought about this point a lot when were in our scary weeks 10-18. I am still feeling good but feel like I don't have answers to A LOT of questions. The Lord has been slowly teaching me to let go of my need to control everything in my life. He has used desperate financial situations, my weight loss (and weight gain), Ben losing his job, ME losing my job, struggles to start a family and pretty much every day activities as well.I am much better than I was but I still struggle with control and I LOVE always having the right answer.

Nothing makes you feel more out of control than the journey to get pregnant and pregnancy itself. I am reminded of this lack of control when people ask me questions that I feel I should have the answers to. Most of these questions are based out of curiosity so here are some common questions with or without answers. ;o)

Wow, you are already pretty big. How big are you going to get?
The books say that I will be huge...larger than I can physically imagine at this point. I feel bigger every day and I already feel like my stomach is totally stretched. The Dr. said that I am measuring about 5 weeks ahead which is right on track for twins. I look more like I am 29 weeks. See picture below!

When is your due date? 
This is a tricky question...if I was having one baby, it would be June 1st. Since we are having twins, the absolute latest the Dr. will let me go is 38 weeks which would be mid-May. My gut (an optimism) tells me we will have them the first week of May.

Will they need to be in the NICU?
I don't know and I pray they don't. On average, twins are born at 35 weeks which usually lands them in the NICU for a short period of time. This obviously depends on each of their health at the time of birth. Generally, if they weigh at least 5 pounds and make it to 36 weeks, we should be able to avoid the NICU. We won't know until that day comes.

How much weight will you gain? 
I don't know. The Dr. told me to expect 45-55 pounds by the end of it all. I have already gained 25 pounds which is just fine based on the fact that I "started with a little extra."Words from my very honest, yet sensitive doctor. It is weird because I have been this weight (and more) before but my body feels and looks so different. At the end of the pregnancy I will likely weight the same as my highest weight back in 2010. Mentally, that actually has helped me visualize and trust that I will be able to lose the weight again.

Are you going to go back to work after they are born?
Yes! This proud Momma brings home the bacon in this family and I also LOVE my job. We are slowly starting to work out childcare. Paying for 2 infants in a daycare is absolutely insane. It would be cheaper to hire a nanny to come to our house. We will be looking at other options. Ben works at the YMCA which allows him to bring the kids to the childcare there for up to 3 hours a day which is a huge help and he may also stay home one day a week. My wonderful Aunt has offered to help one day a week while I work at our Apple Valley location. One of our sweet friends in our small group has offered to come help 1-2 afternoons a week. We have a few options here but are very thankful for the help from family and friends. I also work from home most days which means I am there to basically feed them but there is no way I can get work done with two little ones.

Are you going to have a vaginal birth or c-section?
I don't know and in all honesty...I am not sure how much of a choice I will have. So much of this process has been out of my control and not at ALL like I imagined. My original goal was an all natural birth but that went out the window when we saw 2 heartbeats. My babies will decide our options based on their position...more specifically, baby girl with decide. If she is head down...there is a shot at a vaginal delivery. If not, off to the operating room we will go. If they are both head down, we are in a better spot but Baby Boy can always change his mind. Also, at ANY time they could be in distress and a c-section could happen in minutes. Either I go in with a c-section plan or we flip a coin and deal with many scenarios during the most stressful time of my life. Other factors include how far along we are, how big/healthy the babies are and my paid leave is 2 weeks more with a c-section. I hope for more insight after our prenatal classes.

Will you breastfeed?
Lord, I hope so. Do you have any idea how much it costs to feed 2 babies formula? I will give it my all and I am prepared for it to be difficult. I may end up just pumping for one of them or both. We will have to see but I am determined to do this for as long as I can for health and financial reasons.

What are their names?
I DO know this answer but we are not telling anyone, and I mean anyone, until they are born. Ben won't even let me tell total strangers. When we first found out we were pregnant and we weren't telling the world. I would tell total strangers like the cashier at the grocery store that we were pregnant. My grandma had to keep this secret as well, which I know was REALLY tough for her but I let her tell the Schwanns man when he came to her house so she could tell at least one person.

What are your cravings? Are you hungry all the time?
Oh how I waited for the day when I could eat freely! Oddly, I am not that hungry. This may be the first time in my life that I don't have an appetite. It may be the fact that my stomach is squished and I feel like I am full all the time. I have been careful to not gain too much weight but more importantly getting the babies what they need. My stomach is prime real estate right now and I can only fit so much in there. Cravings are a funny thing...if I craved them before I was pregnant, does that count as a pregnancy craving? The only new one is fruit loops! I have bargained with myself and in the morning I mix a small amount of fruit loops with my Cheerios. It is a win-win then!

What does it feel like with 2 of them in there?
Since I have nothing to compare it to, it feels normal to me. I will say that at some point in the past few weeks, I find myself wondering if there are 3 in there? They move all over the place and in all corners of my stomach. From what I can tell Baby girl is permanently using my bladder as a trampoline and Baby boy has an every other day high activity. We haven't have an ultrasound in almost 4 weeks so I have no clue what their positioning is which means some days I can't tell who is moving around.

Weird things people say and my own Public Service Announcement:

Do twins run in your family?

People don't realize what they are actually asking when they say this. What you are REALLY saying is..."Did you conceive these children naturally or with medical help?" #1) I don't go around asking people what position they were in when they conceived their child??? #2) Funny response is "Only if they are being chased" #3) Actual answer is Yes...Ben and I both have twins on both sides of our family. My point is...don't ask people this.

Are you excited? (imagine scared look on their face)
(EXTREME Sarcasm here) No, we are super disappointed...but it is too late to send one back! (End Sarcasm) Are you serious people? Of course we are excited, these are our children!! God blessed us with 2 beautiful babies instead of one. In the world of fertility we hit the JACKPOT! Yes, we are excited...are we also scared, nervous and unsure of a million logistics...yes.

Twins are really expensive...good luck!(insert eye roll)
Yes, I am aware that babies cost money. God has brought us to this point with financial provision and I am sure he wouldn't have created these two babies without planning for their provision as well. I am also the master of stretching every dollar!  I saved over $200 at babies"r"us when purchasing 2 cribs and 2 mattresses! We will make it work.

That is the end of my PSA/Q&A session. Memorable moments time!

Ben finally felt Baby Girl kick this week! My stomach now moves when they kick...crazy!
We have purchased cribs, mattresses, changing table and a pack-n-play. ALL at great prices!
I find myself missing my family SO much right now. I try to think of reasons to call my mom just to talk to her. Bless her for listening to all my bodily function issues.
I love singing to the babies...we sing along to KTIS every day.
Ben has started reading to my belly so that the babies can get to know his voice.

                                                                           24 Weeks

                                                Yes...I know that I am this big already!

What about everyone else?

It is starting to feel like this will all really happen. We painted the babies' room on Friday, finalized registries, set dates for baby showers and the constant movement in my belly. But something still holds me back from pure joy. I keep thinking...what about everyone else?

Most of the past 5 years I have felt like others were moving ahead in their lives and I was standing still. You may feel that way about being single, a less than ideal career, waiting to start a family or tight finances. It is hard to celebrate your stage of life when others around you are not where they wish they could be.

I may feel this more since I know what it is like to be in that "waiting zone" for longer than desired. I just wish I could bring others with me and we can share our joy together. It is sometimes easier to be a better friend when you are both in the trenches.

I still know so many couples still waiting for their miracle and it seems with each blog post, a few more come out of the woodwork. I hope they can see us as a sign of hope but I know that is not always the case. I am finding myself praying more for the people around me that are being asked to walk through the valley. I refuse to take one day for granted and my way of showing gratitude, is to pray for those who are still waiting for an answer.

I pray for a marriage that is going through a difficult time.
I pray for the couple who has run out of money to do any more fertility treatments.
I pray for the single woman who is waiting to find her husband.
I pray for a family that is separated with no reconciliation in sight.
I pray for parents who have babies that were too beautiful for earth.

I can't help but ask God, "What about everyone else?"

I know we are all on different paths and writing different stories. I don't know how many times Ben and I would say to each other, "that isn't our story, we are writing our own" over the past 7 years together.  If your story is at a happy and fulfilling place right now...don't forget about everyone else.

We are at 23 weeks today, only 1 more week until "viability." This is usually a milestone that most healthy pregnancies are not even aware of. 24 weeks is the earliest a baby can be born with a chance to still survive.  We are obviously praying to make it till 37 weeks but anyone with complications will be aware of the 24 week mark. Right now the babies are about 10 inches (head to heel) and weight about 1 pound each. Sometimes I am amazed that something that weighs so little can "carry so much weight" in this world.

It is clear to me that I have two living beings inside of me. Feeling them move is something I wasn't sure I would ever experience and it is just as amazing as I imagined. Between the two of them, it is going on most of the day. I will never complain about this...ever. After wondering every day for the first 20 weeks, if they were ok...I will gladly take this reassurance. Even at 3:00am every morning...*cough baby girl cough* ;o)

Ben has never felt a baby kick before and it has taken us some luck with timing but this past week he felt his first baby kick from his son. The look on his face was priceless. Baby girl is in a harder position to feel her kicks on the outside but we have lots of time for them to get stronger.

We are extremely blessed but know when I lay awake at night, feeling the kicks of my blessings...I still pray for everyone else.

                                                                           23 Weeks