I can't believe it has been 4 weeks since they were born. Sometimes it feels like months and other times it feels like yesterday. I can say that we are finally getting into a routine and yesterday was the first night that it felt normal instead of pure chaos. We even did baths for both babies and were in bed by 8:45.
There are some memories that I wanted to get recorded somewhere before I forget so here are just some quick memories...
-Ben sitting on the couch, holding a baby and he turns to me and says, " I am just melting"
-Carter's little sigh after he sneezes
-The night that both babies cried for 2 hours until we figured out what they needed. Carter squeezed my finger and gave me a little smile...his way of saying, "It's ok Mom, we are ok and we know you are doing your best"
-Ben and I in the store, Ben turns to me and says, "I just love them so much"
-Sound of my Mom reading books to the babies in their nursery
-My first time tandem nursing BOTH babies!
-Elianna always having her hand touching her face when she sleeps
-Remembering when I saw and felt pure Grace and Forgiveness between Ben and myself, evidence of God presence in our parenting and our marriage.
-Seeing Ben's Dad hold all 3 grandkids in his arms on his first Father's Day as a Grandpa
This crazy roller coaster we are living hasn't gotten any less exciting. I would say that within a few days, I have felt like a total failure and a great Mom within such a short time period. I am so thankful for God's Grace because I need it every moment. I am not sure how to express what I am feeling without having it taken the wrong way. I will just say that all the times God was teaching me about needing to be in control, being patient with myself and others, accepting grace, not holding onto shame or guilt....all of these things have made me a better parent. They have been vital for me to be a Mom of twins without losing my mind or creating distance between myself and Ben. It is SO easy to be mean to your spouse at 3am when you have been pooped on, feel exhausted and cannot get your baby to sleep. One of the best lines I learned from Lysa Terkeurst..."Share whispers with God before shouts with the world" Give God the opportunity to intervene before you speak. When I want to snap at Ben, I wait a few seconds and give the holy spirit the time to change my heart before I speak. It has made a HUGE difference for us. I need Ben...my partner in this. When you have twins, there is no "it's your turn" because there are two babies and it is always both of our turns.
Our next adventure is traveling to see my parents and grandparents this weekend. I am so excited for the babies to meet their Great Grandma Jo, Great Grandpa Ed and Great Grandma June. I will share more about our trip when we get back. Here are a few pictures for our photo shoot we did when the babies were 5 days old :o)
Well, I have thought of about 40 different blog topics over the past few weeks but I have about 1.5 minutes a day to actually write the thoughts down. Since my Mom is visiting for a few days, I hope to write a little more. These posts may get a little random but that is how life is now!
Baby Elianna
She is my mellow, sweet little girl who loves to be awake and look around. She likes to sleep with her hands touching her face. When it is time to eat, she is much more patient and usually lets me feed her hungry brother first. We have had some tummy trouble but they are doing ok. Elianna is also my star nurser. She was the first to be able to latch and she can nurse almost every time we try. At our last Dr. appointment last Friday, she weighed 7lbs 11oz which is 10 oz over her birth weight. She is a perfect little angel. Daddy calls her "his little princess."
Baby Carter
He is my vocal, strong willed little boy. He likes to make a lot of noise when he is awake and when he is sleeping. If he has a dirty diaper, he will let you know asap that he would like it changed. The same goes for eating because this hungry boy is growing fast! The best part about Carter is his facial expressions. Even when he is sleeping, his little face has so much character and he makes us laugh all the time. He hates getting new clothes put on and will let you know how much he hates it! He also lets us all know that it is meal time and that he would like to be first. He is catching on to the nursing a lot better. He is totally a Daddy's boy and sometimes Ben is the only person he wants to be with. His weight was 8lbs 5oz last week which is a full pound over his birth weight. Daddy calls him "little champ."
We are doing well but I will say the first week at home was the easiest in some ways. I wasn't really even trying to nurse and I was barely pumping enough to matter but now we are nursing, pumping and still having to supplement formula. I have never been a mom who was against formula or super determined to breast feed because I knew better. I knew that so much would depend on each baby, when they were born, my milk supply and more. Here are my honest thoughts and if you are a mom who every tried to breast feed, you will probably understand...it is really hard. I think about quitting many times a day when I think about how easy it would be to just buy formula. There are times when I have to let a baby cry the whole time I am nursing and then bottle feeding the other baby. We basically feed them in 3 different ways. I want what is best for my babies and I know breast milk is the best but it is hard. I am thankful that I even have the option to give my babies breast milk. I know women who couldn't provide what was best for their babies because their bodies would not cooperate. It is a gift to be able to nurse my babies and I try to see it that way every day. I could talk about nursing a lot more but I will save you all from that.
Ben and I are crazy in love with these two little miracles. Even at 3 am, after we have both been peed or projective pooped on...we still are so in love. Some of our funniest moments are in the middle of the night hearing our babies "toot" very loudly or catching the vomit as it flies out. Ben is an absolute rock star Daddy. He changes diapers non-stop, keeps me fed and hydrated and give overflowing love to his babies all the time. The sleep deprivation has been the toughest for Ben but he is starting to adjust. He is ON all the time and does it with a smile. I am so incredibly blessed to have such an amazing partner in parenting.
Many of you very sweet people have been checking in on me and seeing how I am doing emotionally. Moms of twins have a much higher risk of postpartum depression for some obvious reasons. I am doing really really well. I have such an incredible support system that I know I can call on anytime. So many of you provided us with meals over the past few weeks. I know it just seems like food but it has been an absolute blessing. Ben comes home from work at 6pm and we literally have maybe 45 minutes before babies are awake and need to start their feeding before bedtime. It has helped so much to have food in the fridge, ready to go. I also am trying to eat 3,000 calories a day (something I never thought would be a problem) but I have so little time to make food for myself. I have also learned what my physical limits are and how much sleep I need to function. If I can get a 30-45 minutes nap during the day, I can survive. I still have what is called the "danger zone" from 6-8pm each night, if I don't get a nap that day. This is usually when I spill breast milk and cry for a good 20 minutes. Ben has made my naps a priority when he is home during lunch and it makes a huge difference. I also think that anxiety is something that most mothers deal with and something I have had issues with in the past but I decided a long time ago to not let anxiety rule my life. Satan LOVES to use anxiety to make us doubt the promises of God. Well, I have seen too many promises of God come to life to let Satan get to me. I still pray, "God, keep my babies safe" many times a day but these babies are God's and I know he is looking out for them.
We made it to church yesterday and even on time!!! It was important for us to go see some of the people that have been praying for these babies for so long. We made it through the first 30 minutes of the service until it was food/diaper time. Ben and I stood there, listening to the worship songs, holding our babies and it was surreal. How many Sundays did I sit here and cry...begging the Lord to answer our prayers? We have been going to North Haven Church for 5 years and most of those years were times of trials. If felt so different to be standing in the same spot but now we have everything. Every prayer we prayed, has been answered. Ben's new career, my new job, our beautiful family and many other miracles. We are experiencing the Joy that comes in the morning, the immeasurably "more" that God had in store for us. The reality of everything is overwhelming. The love, grace and faithfulness is overwhelming. The best kind of overwhelming there is.
This song was preformed at church yesterday and I just thought it was perfect for us. It is called "Always" and chorus says, "My God will come though, Always"
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