As I sit here to type...I don't even know where to start. The twins are almost 11 months old. I cannot believe that they will be one year old next month. It has been a blur and I feel like I don't remember most of it. Thankfully, my husband is our kids' paparazzi and takes so many pictures and videos, that I can remember it that way.
Parenting, in some ways, is the easiest and hardest thing I have ever experienced. Some days, the love you have for your kids will literally fuel your energy to make it through the day (or night.) The balance between work and family is impossible. If you figure it out....tell me and then write a book. At any given moment in the day, I am letting someone else down. I don't need the whole "You are enough" speech because I understand that but let's be real. We still feel that way even when we shouldn't. It hasn't helped that my career took a spiral downturn ever since I returned from maternity leave that culminated in them laying me off a few weeks ago but that was a blessing because I got a new job. The balance of Wife, Mother, friend and career woman is a constant juggling act.
Starting a new job, with 11 month old twins at home...is so overwhelming at times. On the other hand, if I have to leave my babies every day, it better be for a job that I care about!! I have spent the last 2 weeks trying to get life in order as much as I can. Stocking the freezer with meals, organizing and getting rid of stuff we don't need. Putting together a wardrobe at this weight has been less than exciting but oh well. The weight loss is for another day. It is WAY harder this time. My body is a mystery and I am at a loss. For any Mom who said, "I can't lose weight, it is too hard with my kids." I hear ya loud and clear! I barely have time to brush my teeth and shave my legs....time to work out!?! HAHA! I think the new job will help, meal planning, warmer weather and a more consistent schedule.
My children are hilarious...but did you expect anything less? ;o) Carter is my little sensitive guy who has the sweetest smile. He has handled teething like a total champ and I have just accepted that he needs to wake up at night, at least once. He gets SO excited when he learns new things and I just love how he makes me see the joy in little things. When he learned to clap, I thought he was going to jump up and down. He loves to read. Ben reads to the kids all the time and I will catch Carter sitting on the floor, crossing his little feet, turning the pages of books. Carter crosses his feet, at his ankles, ALL THE TIME. When he eats, in his high chair, in the car seat, on your lap and on the floor. I have never seen a baby sit like this but it is adorable. He is working on "toughing up" a little bit since his sister likes to dominate...well, everything. He is learning to fight back but mostly by pushing her down when she is standing on her own. Carter is my awesome eater. His favorite food is Spinach and cheese ravioli. He puts a handful in his mouth just as fast as I can cut up the next one. My favorite Carter moments are when he is reading books, eating, chasing his sister around and any time he learns something new.
Miss Elianna is preparing to rule the world. She likes to run the show and be in charge...hhhmm, no clue where she gets that from?! She is not afraid to show her many emotions to you but one of them is love. She loves to give kisses. Last week Carter fell down and he was crying. She crawled over and gave him the sweetest kiss on the cheek. Ben and I almost died it was so sweet. These are the moments when having Twins make up for the hard stuff. Elianna loves to snuggle and is walking a good 5-6 steps at a time. But what she really loves, is us watching her and celebrating her every step. She eats her food one little tiny piece at a time, picking it up with her 2 little fingers. She takes twice as long to eat as Carter. She also like to point...at everything. I kiss her little finger all the time and she touches everything with that little pointer finger to explore it. She is little miss giggles and giggles at almost everything. Not a big laugh but a little he he he. My kids laugh the hardest at each other. I can already tell that she is strong willed and will give us a challenge but strong willed children can change the world.
They both love to dance and do whatever it takes to get our phones and the tv remotes. We recently had to move them to different rooms to help with sleeping and it was a tough decision for Ben and I. We loved seeing them playing after nap time and having a crib in our room is tough but it has worked out well. Sleep....oh, sweet sleep. I didn't know I could function on this kinda of sleep. Honestly, it was easier when they were newborns. They were up every 4 hours, bottle, diaper and back to sleep. Now they could get up at any time, need nothing or everything and be up for 3 minutes to 3 hours. After you spend an hour getting one down, the other one will wake up. These are the nights where I struggle the most. Ben and I have a good system and the last few weeks have been better.
I don't even know if I would call it sleep training or whatever but we had to do something to help our kids learn to fall asleep on their own. We waited till they had a full belly with dry diapers and showing signs of being tired like rubbing their eyes and yawning. We then put them in their crib with their beloved Grandma June blanket, a book and small toy. The first few times were tough but we went in after 5 minutes and then 10 minutes to comfort them but put them back down. Eventually, they were able to only cry a few minutes and be asleep. We started with nap time and the last few days transitioned to also doing it at bedtime. This has been a game changer for sure!!!! This had to happen to help Ben keep his sanity when he is home with the kids. Now the kids are sleeping longer for naps (1.5-2 hours instead of 30 minutes - 1 hour) and bedtime is between 8:15 and 8:30 when it could have ranged from 8-10pm some nights. Elianna is also FINALLY sleeping through the night again which hasn't happened for 5 months. She will stay asleep from 8:30-5:45am...AMEN. I need at least one baby to sleep through the night for my sanity. Carter is getting much better. He is still up 1-2 times but is able to make it to 5:30/6am and goes back to sleep after a bottle instead of being up for hours on end. Ben is also my late night baby whisperer because he is able to get them back asleep when I can't. I am still a bit in shock that they are sleeping MORE during the day and better at night...but I guess some babies work like that.
Bottom line, we are blessed and loving every minute with our family. God is still making a way for us and for me to be able to provide for us. I start a new job on Monday that HE put in my life. New challenges but in a good way. My schedule will change and will be more time away from the kids but it had to happen at some point. I have loved being home the last 2 weeks and it will always be a special time.
Ben and I also got away to Florida for a much needed break. It was nice to have it just be "us" but we missed the kids so much. A BIG thank you to those of you who watched the kids while we were gone...Nona and Grandpa Ulland, Grammy and Papa Dodge, Aunt Sarah and Cousin Kristyn. You are all angels and I think our kids had a vacation of their own.
May 19th they will be one year old. In the world of twins..one year is BIG deal because we survived the hardest and best year of our life. It takes a village and we couldn't do it without the love, strength and grace of God, our family and friends, our church and each other.
We still pray for those of you still waiting for your miracle...not a day goes by that we don't remember how blessed we are.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
"I have to pee and then pump"
A few months ago, Ben and I are unloading our circus after going somewhere and I said to him, "I have to pee and then pump." and I think he said something like, "isn't that the story of your life."
I exclusively pumped breast milk for the twins for about 8 months. For 8 months, I hooked myself up to a machine...every 4 hours....for 8 months. I pumped at family functions, airport terminals, in the car, during conference calls and in the middle of the night. It is a LABOR OF LOVE and anyone who EPs is my hero. Nursing just didn't work out for us and this was the best that I could do. This journey was not easy and there were many, many days that I wanted to quit. This option gave my kids the best option for breast milk and I am thankful that it exists but every minute that I was pumping was another moment that I couldn't hold a baby, change a diaper or do something for them. One time my Aunt Sarah said, "What you are doing is a sacrifice for your kids" and I almost started crying right there because not everyone sees it that way but it really is. For most outsiders it looks like an inconvenience, an obligation or unnecessary, a reason you have to cut your outing short, an annoyance to your employer, or something that is limiting you. It is a sacrifice and it is hard. I had people in my life that helped support me and are the only reason I made it this long. Here are a few people I need to thank....
My mother...
My Mom was there for the birth of the twins and every moment after it for about a week. When people said, "You will just want your mom there" I didn't realize how incredibly true that would be. A part of it is that she has been through it all before and I just believe her more when she encourages me. My Mom was there to get various pumping supplies, washing a million bottles, trying to get the hospital grade pump to work and we can't forget the literal and figurative "melt down" where we lost a few pumping parts to the microwave sterilization bag. She was also there to (nicely) force me to pump when I didn't want to. It took 5 whole days for my milk to come in. I was pumping every few hours and NOTHING would come out but I had to keep doing it. Anyone who helped us had to do extra work while I had to sit there an pump. I will also value our conversations in the wee morning hours when I would pump and she would feed the babies. Or that one time over Christmas break when both the kids were teething and crying hysterically. I had tried to pump a good 3 times while trying to comfort them both. When I finally was able to get both kids content, I was emotionally spent but I had to still pump. I sat in the living room, while my family played a card game in the kitchen and basically cried while I pumped. At a moment when you think you have nothing left to give...you find it within you to pump that precious liquid gold for your precious babies. My Mom came into the room and sat on the couch and didn't say a word. Moms know when you just need to have someone sit with you. Maybe she doesn't even think it was a big deal but it was to me.
My Friend Jess Grewe...
Most of you know of Jess as "My friend with 2 sets of twins" but this woman is incredible. Not only did she send me a full maternity wardrobe, twin nursing pillow, baby clothes, bottles and more....she exclusively pumped for both her sets of twins and went 13.5 months for her 2nd set of twins. She was my main supporter to exclusively pump. She added me to the most amazing support group of women on facebook that were my lifeline. She encouraged me on the days that I really wanted to quit and offered the best advice. "Never quit on a bad day" She gave me the tough love when I needed it and the loving support when I was ready to be done. I wouldn't have made it past the first few weeks without her help.
My Amazing Husband...
For 8 months...there were 3 of us in our marriage. Ben, myself and my pump. We scheduled life around my pumping schedule and couldn't go anywhere without having access every 4 hours. Many nights Ben would wake up to the faint sound of the pump going. One of ways he would help is hauling my pump from the bedroom to the living every day, washing all the supplies and putting my late night pumped milk in the fridge. For every minute I was hooked up to the machine was another minute that Ben was on his own to care for the kids. Many early mornings where he would have to go get the kids while I finished my morning pump which usually took over an hour. During all this time, he never once asked me to stop pumping. He would ask "how long do you think you will pump?" and I usually didn't have a solid answer for him. His patience was amazing and I can't thank him enough for picking up the slack while I gave our babies their best start at life.
As the kids became more mobile...it got a lot tougher and I just felt like it was time to stop. I was also one of the "not-so-lucky" women who didn't lose ANY weight while breastfeeding/pumping. Not a single pound. My body was holding onto everything as I tried to produce food for 2 babies. Any decrease in calories would hurt my supply that was already not enough for both the kids. There were many many factors that led to my decision to stop at 8 months. I am happy that I could provide at least some milk to them and now I am thankful for extra hours in the day to hold them. I do have a small freezer stash that will give them each a bottle of day of breast milk for a few months.
We were lucky enough to asked to speak at an "Expecting Multiples" class by Amma this past week and it felt good to talk about the option to pump. I don't think many moms know about it and it usually isn't plan A but for a lot of women, it is a good plan B.
Now that I am done pumping and my body is starting to get back to normal. It is time to start chipping away at the weight gain. Ironically, I weigh the exact same as I did when I started my weight loss journey back in December of 2009. I gained a total of 100 pounds during my pregnancy and I dropped 50 pounds within the first few weeks of their birth. Since then, nothing. I am not going to lie...the task of losing 80 pounds...again...it a bit overwhelming. My body is different and I don't think the same approach is going to work. I plan to blog about "Round 2" of weight loss but that is for another day.
To my fellow pumpers...
I exclusively pumped breast milk for the twins for about 8 months. For 8 months, I hooked myself up to a machine...every 4 hours....for 8 months. I pumped at family functions, airport terminals, in the car, during conference calls and in the middle of the night. It is a LABOR OF LOVE and anyone who EPs is my hero. Nursing just didn't work out for us and this was the best that I could do. This journey was not easy and there were many, many days that I wanted to quit. This option gave my kids the best option for breast milk and I am thankful that it exists but every minute that I was pumping was another moment that I couldn't hold a baby, change a diaper or do something for them. One time my Aunt Sarah said, "What you are doing is a sacrifice for your kids" and I almost started crying right there because not everyone sees it that way but it really is. For most outsiders it looks like an inconvenience, an obligation or unnecessary, a reason you have to cut your outing short, an annoyance to your employer, or something that is limiting you. It is a sacrifice and it is hard. I had people in my life that helped support me and are the only reason I made it this long. Here are a few people I need to thank....
My mother...
My Mom was there for the birth of the twins and every moment after it for about a week. When people said, "You will just want your mom there" I didn't realize how incredibly true that would be. A part of it is that she has been through it all before and I just believe her more when she encourages me. My Mom was there to get various pumping supplies, washing a million bottles, trying to get the hospital grade pump to work and we can't forget the literal and figurative "melt down" where we lost a few pumping parts to the microwave sterilization bag. She was also there to (nicely) force me to pump when I didn't want to. It took 5 whole days for my milk to come in. I was pumping every few hours and NOTHING would come out but I had to keep doing it. Anyone who helped us had to do extra work while I had to sit there an pump. I will also value our conversations in the wee morning hours when I would pump and she would feed the babies. Or that one time over Christmas break when both the kids were teething and crying hysterically. I had tried to pump a good 3 times while trying to comfort them both. When I finally was able to get both kids content, I was emotionally spent but I had to still pump. I sat in the living room, while my family played a card game in the kitchen and basically cried while I pumped. At a moment when you think you have nothing left to give...you find it within you to pump that precious liquid gold for your precious babies. My Mom came into the room and sat on the couch and didn't say a word. Moms know when you just need to have someone sit with you. Maybe she doesn't even think it was a big deal but it was to me.
My Friend Jess Grewe...
Most of you know of Jess as "My friend with 2 sets of twins" but this woman is incredible. Not only did she send me a full maternity wardrobe, twin nursing pillow, baby clothes, bottles and more....she exclusively pumped for both her sets of twins and went 13.5 months for her 2nd set of twins. She was my main supporter to exclusively pump. She added me to the most amazing support group of women on facebook that were my lifeline. She encouraged me on the days that I really wanted to quit and offered the best advice. "Never quit on a bad day" She gave me the tough love when I needed it and the loving support when I was ready to be done. I wouldn't have made it past the first few weeks without her help.
My Amazing Husband...
For 8 months...there were 3 of us in our marriage. Ben, myself and my pump. We scheduled life around my pumping schedule and couldn't go anywhere without having access every 4 hours. Many nights Ben would wake up to the faint sound of the pump going. One of ways he would help is hauling my pump from the bedroom to the living every day, washing all the supplies and putting my late night pumped milk in the fridge. For every minute I was hooked up to the machine was another minute that Ben was on his own to care for the kids. Many early mornings where he would have to go get the kids while I finished my morning pump which usually took over an hour. During all this time, he never once asked me to stop pumping. He would ask "how long do you think you will pump?" and I usually didn't have a solid answer for him. His patience was amazing and I can't thank him enough for picking up the slack while I gave our babies their best start at life.
As the kids became more mobile...it got a lot tougher and I just felt like it was time to stop. I was also one of the "not-so-lucky" women who didn't lose ANY weight while breastfeeding/pumping. Not a single pound. My body was holding onto everything as I tried to produce food for 2 babies. Any decrease in calories would hurt my supply that was already not enough for both the kids. There were many many factors that led to my decision to stop at 8 months. I am happy that I could provide at least some milk to them and now I am thankful for extra hours in the day to hold them. I do have a small freezer stash that will give them each a bottle of day of breast milk for a few months.
We were lucky enough to asked to speak at an "Expecting Multiples" class by Amma this past week and it felt good to talk about the option to pump. I don't think many moms know about it and it usually isn't plan A but for a lot of women, it is a good plan B.
Now that I am done pumping and my body is starting to get back to normal. It is time to start chipping away at the weight gain. Ironically, I weigh the exact same as I did when I started my weight loss journey back in December of 2009. I gained a total of 100 pounds during my pregnancy and I dropped 50 pounds within the first few weeks of their birth. Since then, nothing. I am not going to lie...the task of losing 80 pounds...again...it a bit overwhelming. My body is different and I don't think the same approach is going to work. I plan to blog about "Round 2" of weight loss but that is for another day.
To my fellow pumpers...
The Feeling of Failing
Unfinished Post from February 2015
Well, my last post was in October....so I am not blogging as much as I had planned but good Lord, we are busy. Whatever small amount of down time we get...we try to have adult conversations about things beside puke and poop, clean the bathroom or close our eyes. Busy isn't even the best word to use. I think they could create a new words for busy that parents of multiple children could use. This will be another disjointed blog post to try to update you on all things going on with the Ullands.
Ben said something so honest and touching to me the other night. We were talking about the many things we didn't get done that weekend and he just looked at me and said, "I just feel like I'm failing..." and I said, "Welcome to parenthood. There are never enough hours in the day to get done everything that we need to do. If you give your all as a parent, your career suffers. If you give your all to your career, your marriage suffers and so on. All we can do is the best we can do and love our kids like crazy in the process."
I am so used to being "on top of everything" and being able to juggle several balls in the air while looking calm as can be. That phase of my life has flown out the window. I feel like ANY change to our daily lives has a huge impact on us. If I have to work late one night...I can see the effect of that on all of us for the next 4 days. If one baby gets sick...it takes more energy and effort and sleepless nights until they are health again. If I ask you to wash your hands or not touch my child it is because all I see, when I look at your hands, is even less sleep for me and Ben. Sleep is like GOLD...or more like fairy dust because you can't buy it.
A few nights ago, Carter was up every.single.hour from 11pm-6am. This was WAY worse than his newborn days. Nothing will make you more crazy that trying to "Figure out" why your kid isn't sleeping, pooping, napping....whatever it is, it will consume your mind. God bless little Elianna that is still sleeping through the night like a champ. She has always been more accommodating when her brother needs a little more attention. Carter's latest issue has been waking up in the middle of the night and then vomiting all over the place. Usually all over me and last night my wonderful Father-in-law who offered to help while I am away at a conference. So the investigation starts to try to solve this new issue.
Well, my last post was in October....so I am not blogging as much as I had planned but good Lord, we are busy. Whatever small amount of down time we get...we try to have adult conversations about things beside puke and poop, clean the bathroom or close our eyes. Busy isn't even the best word to use. I think they could create a new words for busy that parents of multiple children could use. This will be another disjointed blog post to try to update you on all things going on with the Ullands.
Ben said something so honest and touching to me the other night. We were talking about the many things we didn't get done that weekend and he just looked at me and said, "I just feel like I'm failing..." and I said, "Welcome to parenthood. There are never enough hours in the day to get done everything that we need to do. If you give your all as a parent, your career suffers. If you give your all to your career, your marriage suffers and so on. All we can do is the best we can do and love our kids like crazy in the process."
I am so used to being "on top of everything" and being able to juggle several balls in the air while looking calm as can be. That phase of my life has flown out the window. I feel like ANY change to our daily lives has a huge impact on us. If I have to work late one night...I can see the effect of that on all of us for the next 4 days. If one baby gets sick...it takes more energy and effort and sleepless nights until they are health again. If I ask you to wash your hands or not touch my child it is because all I see, when I look at your hands, is even less sleep for me and Ben. Sleep is like GOLD...or more like fairy dust because you can't buy it.
A few nights ago, Carter was up every.single.hour from 11pm-6am. This was WAY worse than his newborn days. Nothing will make you more crazy that trying to "Figure out" why your kid isn't sleeping, pooping, napping....whatever it is, it will consume your mind. God bless little Elianna that is still sleeping through the night like a champ. She has always been more accommodating when her brother needs a little more attention. Carter's latest issue has been waking up in the middle of the night and then vomiting all over the place. Usually all over me and last night my wonderful Father-in-law who offered to help while I am away at a conference. So the investigation starts to try to solve this new issue.
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